I feel like a caged bird right now who wants nothing more than for someone to open the door and let my fly away. I wish it were that simple really.
I know that I am reaching a crossroads and I have to decide which way to turn. Do I turn to the left and let this heartache consume me forever? Do I turn to the right and actually allow myself to open up my heart all the way and let it finally break all the way so that I can start to heal? I don't have the answers to these questions right now. I hope I make the right choice and I hope that I will be ready when that day comes for me.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
The Year from Hell
March 13, 2010 will mark one year since my love was first diagnosed with the dreaded 6 letter word known as cancer. Little did we know that you would not win your battle six months later.
I cannot begin to tell you how much this has been a year from hell. I think back to that day and wonder if there was anything that I could have done differently for you. If I had, would it have made a difference? Would it have changed the outcome at all? Part of me does not think so. See God has a plan for you from the moment you are conceived. We are not privy to the road map but he does have a plan for us and each person is put here for a reason. We may not ever know while we are alive but I believe the answer is revealed to us on the day our souls leave our bodies.
I hope you know how much we loved you and still do. I hope you know how many people you touched in your short time on earth. I hope you know that you were truly loved and missed everyday by so many. I hope you watch over us and are there to greet us on the day it is our "first day". There are days I rejoice that God answered our prayers and ended your suffering then there are the dark days when my human needs out match my spirtual ones and I just want you back here with me. I think that is a battle I will fight the rest of my life.
It is a rare thing when you find your soulmate, lose them for a while and then find them again. I am so thankful that you and I were able to forgive all the wrongs and in the end we finally got it right baby.
I still have days when I really miss you and can't even stand for someone to say your name then there are the other days when it's ok to talk about you, share funny stories and relive the memories that only you and I shared. Those are the precious ones that I will keep all to myself.
Yes it has been the year from hell but I know that this is only going to make my stronger. You know what? I love you more today than yesterday and I will love you even more tomorrow... see I didn't forget what you always said nor will I ever forget that. I just don't want you to think that I will ever forget you or let you go even if my heart starts to mend. I will hold you in my heart forever until I draw my last breath. I know that one day I will look up and you will be there and that gives me hope to make it through each day. I love you!
I cannot begin to tell you how much this has been a year from hell. I think back to that day and wonder if there was anything that I could have done differently for you. If I had, would it have made a difference? Would it have changed the outcome at all? Part of me does not think so. See God has a plan for you from the moment you are conceived. We are not privy to the road map but he does have a plan for us and each person is put here for a reason. We may not ever know while we are alive but I believe the answer is revealed to us on the day our souls leave our bodies.
I hope you know how much we loved you and still do. I hope you know how many people you touched in your short time on earth. I hope you know that you were truly loved and missed everyday by so many. I hope you watch over us and are there to greet us on the day it is our "first day". There are days I rejoice that God answered our prayers and ended your suffering then there are the dark days when my human needs out match my spirtual ones and I just want you back here with me. I think that is a battle I will fight the rest of my life.
It is a rare thing when you find your soulmate, lose them for a while and then find them again. I am so thankful that you and I were able to forgive all the wrongs and in the end we finally got it right baby.
I still have days when I really miss you and can't even stand for someone to say your name then there are the other days when it's ok to talk about you, share funny stories and relive the memories that only you and I shared. Those are the precious ones that I will keep all to myself.
Yes it has been the year from hell but I know that this is only going to make my stronger. You know what? I love you more today than yesterday and I will love you even more tomorrow... see I didn't forget what you always said nor will I ever forget that. I just don't want you to think that I will ever forget you or let you go even if my heart starts to mend. I will hold you in my heart forever until I draw my last breath. I know that one day I will look up and you will be there and that gives me hope to make it through each day. I love you!
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