If hope could be a color
It would be yellow
As bright as the sun
If hope could be a taste
It would be chocolate
If hope could be a smell
It would be clothes drying on the line
If hope could be a sound
It would be the singing of a blackbird
If hope could be a feeling
It would be warm like the sunshine
If hope could be an animal
It would be white dove.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Mush Mouth
So a few weeks ago I took Ted to the clinic to get one of his shots to boost his white blood cell count. Usually after about 15 - 30 minutes after receving one of these said shots he will get a little boost of energy.
He decided he wanted to go to some thrift stores as that is something we both like to do...
After a going to a few stores and not looking for anything particular, Ted comes up the register with his most prized posession..........
Yes he got himself a "Mush Mouth" hat like the one in Fat Albert. I think it is AWESOME!!!
He decided he wanted to go to some thrift stores as that is something we both like to do...
After a going to a few stores and not looking for anything particular, Ted comes up the register with his most prized posession..........
Yes he got himself a "Mush Mouth" hat like the one in Fat Albert. I think it is AWESOME!!!
Monday, April 13, 2009
Am I Selfish?
I am so beyond being tired at this point that I am not sure how I am managing to function. Last week was a rough week with Ted and I stayed at his house all week trying to help out in any way that I could. I am not sure at this point at what I am doing to help.
It is very hard to watch someone you care about try to fight cancer and endure all of the poking, proding and vile chemicals being placed in their body. Chemo takes away so much from a person and they go through so many emotions and you (the caretaker) have to have a back bone made out of steel. It changes their personality in ways that you cannot imagine. It is hard for him to control his anger and not draw into himself which I know that is EXACTLY what he wants to do. He has managed to keep some of his sense of humor in this but at the same time he is pissed off too. I feel he has every right to be. I can't speak for him on how he is feeling on the inside but I am sure he is pissed at the world right now. I know this sounds selfish and I really should not be complaining at all because he is the one fighting this battle and all I am doing is standing on the sidelines trying my best to cheer him on. Last night he told me that he is tired of being tired and just having to lay around all of the time. Even when he does lay around he cannot get comfortable and I honestly think at this stage he just passes out for a little bit from being exhausted.
If it were not for my great friends I honestly think I could not have made it a few times this week. They will never have any idea how much I appreciate them and their friendship. I know a couple of nights I should have just stayed there and rested but it comes to a point where I just need to be around my friends. They make me laugh and I can relax just a little bit. Don't get me wrong, I am still thinking about him while I am with them but I can also just let my guard down enough to laugh.
So am I being selfish by going home for a few days to pull my thoughts together and catch up on some much needed rest? Am I being selfish for just wanting to be by myself and not deal with this for a couple of days? I guess so and I do feel really guilty about it but if I don't, I am just going to fall out and that won't do anybody any good at this point.
It is very hard to watch someone you care about try to fight cancer and endure all of the poking, proding and vile chemicals being placed in their body. Chemo takes away so much from a person and they go through so many emotions and you (the caretaker) have to have a back bone made out of steel. It changes their personality in ways that you cannot imagine. It is hard for him to control his anger and not draw into himself which I know that is EXACTLY what he wants to do. He has managed to keep some of his sense of humor in this but at the same time he is pissed off too. I feel he has every right to be. I can't speak for him on how he is feeling on the inside but I am sure he is pissed at the world right now. I know this sounds selfish and I really should not be complaining at all because he is the one fighting this battle and all I am doing is standing on the sidelines trying my best to cheer him on. Last night he told me that he is tired of being tired and just having to lay around all of the time. Even when he does lay around he cannot get comfortable and I honestly think at this stage he just passes out for a little bit from being exhausted.
If it were not for my great friends I honestly think I could not have made it a few times this week. They will never have any idea how much I appreciate them and their friendship. I know a couple of nights I should have just stayed there and rested but it comes to a point where I just need to be around my friends. They make me laugh and I can relax just a little bit. Don't get me wrong, I am still thinking about him while I am with them but I can also just let my guard down enough to laugh.
So am I being selfish by going home for a few days to pull my thoughts together and catch up on some much needed rest? Am I being selfish for just wanting to be by myself and not deal with this for a couple of days? I guess so and I do feel really guilty about it but if I don't, I am just going to fall out and that won't do anybody any good at this point.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
What a Week
I am so tired and worn out from lack of sleep this week. Thank goodness I had a three day weekend where I managed to sneak in a couple of naps. Ted has really had a rough week this past week and tonight is not any better.
He cannot find a comfortable position in which to lay down to sleep. The tumor is in his right lung and is pushing in on the nerves in his back and now causing some pain in his side too. This makes it very hard for him to lay down and sleep. He is on some strong medication and they will finally knock him out for an hour or so and then he is right back up again. It is very frustrating for he and I both. I hate to see him in pain and not be able to do anything about it at all. He is frustrated from hurting and not getting enough rest.
We did have a great Easter. He had wanted to go to church with me but just wasn't up for the car ride to go. He did manage to have a fairly decent nap today and he ate a lot of his Easter Dinner. Let me just tell you that chemo is just some nasty shit and totally screws up a lot in a person.
He has always had a sweet tooth but not anymore. It used to be that if there was ANY chocolate in the house, he would devour it. I made brownies for him on Thursday, I think that he might have eaten one so far. I had to throw them out today. Before, he would have eaten half of them in one sitting. He can't taste much anymore and I have noticed that he is eating less than he did when the treatments first started.
He cannot find a comfortable position in which to lay down to sleep. The tumor is in his right lung and is pushing in on the nerves in his back and now causing some pain in his side too. This makes it very hard for him to lay down and sleep. He is on some strong medication and they will finally knock him out for an hour or so and then he is right back up again. It is very frustrating for he and I both. I hate to see him in pain and not be able to do anything about it at all. He is frustrated from hurting and not getting enough rest.
We did have a great Easter. He had wanted to go to church with me but just wasn't up for the car ride to go. He did manage to have a fairly decent nap today and he ate a lot of his Easter Dinner. Let me just tell you that chemo is just some nasty shit and totally screws up a lot in a person.
He has always had a sweet tooth but not anymore. It used to be that if there was ANY chocolate in the house, he would devour it. I made brownies for him on Thursday, I think that he might have eaten one so far. I had to throw them out today. Before, he would have eaten half of them in one sitting. He can't taste much anymore and I have noticed that he is eating less than he did when the treatments first started.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Life With Chemo - Part 2
Well, it finally happened. Ted started losing his hair, he could really care less about that at this stage in the game. I took a couple of days off and went home for the weekend. In order to keep what little bit of sanity we both have, it is good for both of us to get a couple of days away from each other, really. I tend to mother him a little too much at times and he tends to be a stubborn patient at times so it balances out. LOL!
I went back to his house Sunday morning and noticed that he had hair all over his shirt. He told me that his hair started coming out a lot while he was in the shower. He asked me if I would shave his head. Ok, so to chase the white rabbit here for a moment, when Ted and I first started dating he asked me to shave his hair for him as he had a job outside. Let's just say that being a "barber/hair stylist" is NOT in my future. I think it was possibly the worst jacked up buzz cut I have ever seen in my life. So you can imagine when he asked me to cut his hair again what thoughts were going through my head. I tell him about my hesitancy to do this, he in his usual smart ass humor way replies "It's not like you can totally screw it up, it's all gonna fall out anyway."
So we proceed to the back porch and I put the only guard I can find on his clippers and start shaving away. I REFUSED to shave without the guard on as I did not want to truly scalp him as he is at such a risk for infection right now. I think this time it was still a little jacked up but not as bad as the first time I cut it.
He went yesterday to a barber and had it shaved the rest of the way off. I guess he really didn't like my home style hair cut. I told him I am still on the hunt for a Viking Helmet and for the mean time if he wanted a bandanna I would get him one. He is cool just walking around with a bald head.
I went back to his house Sunday morning and noticed that he had hair all over his shirt. He told me that his hair started coming out a lot while he was in the shower. He asked me if I would shave his head. Ok, so to chase the white rabbit here for a moment, when Ted and I first started dating he asked me to shave his hair for him as he had a job outside. Let's just say that being a "barber/hair stylist" is NOT in my future. I think it was possibly the worst jacked up buzz cut I have ever seen in my life. So you can imagine when he asked me to cut his hair again what thoughts were going through my head. I tell him about my hesitancy to do this, he in his usual smart ass humor way replies "It's not like you can totally screw it up, it's all gonna fall out anyway."
So we proceed to the back porch and I put the only guard I can find on his clippers and start shaving away. I REFUSED to shave without the guard on as I did not want to truly scalp him as he is at such a risk for infection right now. I think this time it was still a little jacked up but not as bad as the first time I cut it.
He went yesterday to a barber and had it shaved the rest of the way off. I guess he really didn't like my home style hair cut. I told him I am still on the hunt for a Viking Helmet and for the mean time if he wanted a bandanna I would get him one. He is cool just walking around with a bald head.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Life with Chemo - Part 1
Ok, so I have really twisted sense of humor and considering what we have been going through, I have to laugh at some stuff, really.
Ted has started his second round of chemo this week. It is really kicking his butt. It is very hard to watch someone you care about go through this let me tell you. Ted really appreciates my twisted sense of humor and has give approval on any story that I post about him, honest.
So last night after getting back to his house, I went in to check on him. He was really tired from his treatment and he has a cold on top of everything else. So I was feeling of his head to make sure he wasn't running a fever. Thank goodness he wasn't. Now, he has been in the bed for quite a while and had what I like to call "bed hair" and he is very pale. I told him if he was sparkly I would have to call him Edward (Twilight). For some reason he found this very amusing......even though he HATES Twilight.
I also told him that I didn't think that he was going to loose his hair as he has a headful of it. He told me yeah he was, the nurses have already told him to expect it in the next couple of weeks. I told him then I would get him some really cute bandanas to cover his head with. He says "I was afraid of that. That's ok. I don't want any gay head wraps." I told him I wouldn't get him hot pink or purple, I promised not to. He told me that he wants a Viking Hat, points and all. I asked him why in the world would you want a Viking Hat? He replies back " Just because I can and plus when I go in for chemo with my Viking Hat on, everyone will think I am crazy and not bother me with polite small talk. " I at this point start laughing as you would just have to know how he is and the way he can tell you something and make it seem so serious while being a smart ass.
You can bet your sweet butt that I am now on the hunt for a Viking Hat and shall make sure that he has one.
Adventures at the ER
True Story...Picture it....Chattanooga, TN...2009
I was at Erlanger Hospital with an ill friend. I'd gone outside to smoke and get some fresh air with another friend who was sitting with me. There's a biker crew on my right, a parking garage dead ahead and my friend on my left. Suddenly, this junior biker ( smile ) riding a big, new Harley and donning the equivalent of a beanie hat for a helmet cruises around the corner. Junior then proceeds to the parking garage. The next few moments passed in slow motion yet, too quickly to catch on film...Junior - trying to avoid paying to park - decides he will just go AROUND the big yellow arm which guards the parking garage. As he barrels his way into the garage, while attempting to maneuver around the big yellow arm of death, he collides dead ass into the arm. The arm immediately greeted him by sling shotting him off the bike in a cartoon-esque manner - junior landing on his butt infront of me, my friend AND the biker gang, looking dazed, confused and humiliated.
A definite FAIL for Junior.
I was at Erlanger Hospital with an ill friend. I'd gone outside to smoke and get some fresh air with another friend who was sitting with me. There's a biker crew on my right, a parking garage dead ahead and my friend on my left. Suddenly, this junior biker ( smile ) riding a big, new Harley and donning the equivalent of a beanie hat for a helmet cruises around the corner. Junior then proceeds to the parking garage. The next few moments passed in slow motion yet, too quickly to catch on film...Junior - trying to avoid paying to park - decides he will just go AROUND the big yellow arm which guards the parking garage. As he barrels his way into the garage, while attempting to maneuver around the big yellow arm of death, he collides dead ass into the arm. The arm immediately greeted him by sling shotting him off the bike in a cartoon-esque manner - junior landing on his butt infront of me, my friend AND the biker gang, looking dazed, confused and humiliated.
A definite FAIL for Junior.
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