Am I Selfish?

I am so beyond being tired at this point that I am not sure how I am managing to function. Last week was a rough week with Ted and I stayed at his house all week trying to help out in any way that I could. I am not sure at this point at what I am doing to help.

It is very hard to watch someone you care about try to fight cancer and endure all of the poking, proding and vile chemicals being placed in their body. Chemo takes away so much from a person and they go through so many emotions and you (the caretaker) have to have a back bone made out of steel. It changes their personality in ways that you cannot imagine. It is hard for him to control his anger and not draw into himself which I know that is EXACTLY what he wants to do. He has managed to keep some of his sense of humor in this but at the same time he is pissed off too. I feel he has every right to be. I can't speak for him on how he is feeling on the inside but I am sure he is pissed at the world right now. I know this sounds selfish and I really should not be complaining at all because he is the one fighting this battle and all I am doing is standing on the sidelines trying my best to cheer him on. Last night he told me that he is tired of being tired and just having to lay around all of the time. Even when he does lay around he cannot get comfortable and I honestly think at this stage he just passes out for a little bit from being exhausted.

If it were not for my great friends I honestly think I could not have made it a few times this week. They will never have any idea how much I appreciate them and their friendship. I know a couple of nights I should have just stayed there and rested but it comes to a point where I just need to be around my friends. They make me laugh and I can relax just a little bit. Don't get me wrong, I am still thinking about him while I am with them but I can also just let my guard down enough to laugh.

So am I being selfish by going home for a few days to pull my thoughts together and catch up on some much needed rest? Am I being selfish for just wanting to be by myself and not deal with this for a couple of days? I guess so and I do feel really guilty about it but if I don't, I am just going to fall out and that won't do anybody any good at this point.