Rainy Days Always Get Me Down

I really hate this emotional roller coaster I am on. Yesterday was a great day. I worked all day and then went out to dinner with one of my bff's and saw New Moon again. Yes it was great the second time around. We had some much needed girl time to chat and just hang out. A real estrogen party I tell ya.

Then today I woke up early and came home. It has been raining all day and for some reason it has given me the blues. Why??????!!!!!!

I found myself really missing Ted today, why more today than yesterday? I just don't understand how some days can be ok then others just knock me on my ass. Is it because Sundays were our day? The day when we could just sleep in and lay around all day? Sundays were our day to lay in bed most of the day and cuddle, watch movies and talk about all the things that were sacred to us. Sundays where the days when we didn't have to rush in the mornings to get ready for work. Sundays where the days when I didn't have to fix my hair or put on makeup and he would tell me how beautiful I am without all of those things. Sundays were the days when we shut out the whole world and just focused on us. Sundays were special days to us and god how I miss them. Just when I don't think that my heart can break anymore, it does. I have found that a hot bath is the perfect place to cry and have a mini meltdown. I wonder if one day the tears won't come for him anymore. I wonder if one day I won't hurt this bad for him anymore? I wonder if one day Sundays will bring happy memories for me and not tears or pain?

I try to be strong and brave like him, I really do. I just wish I could close my eyes for one night without the tears.

The Bucket List

I have decided to start a bucket list for myself in honor of my sweetheart. He did not get the chance to do his own so I am going to honor him.

This whole journey with him has made me realize that life is short and you never know when your turn is going to end. How many times have I said to myself, if only I would have..............
Well, no more!! There are several things that I want to do before my time is up and sitting around is not going to get any of them done. This will be a slow work in progress but I am going to do a few of them if not all. I just started thinking about this in the last couple of weeks so this will be a work in progress for me. I think that I will just add to it time from time. So baby since you didn't get to do some of the things we had talked about on that Friday before you left, I am going to do them for you.

Go the beach, he wanted to do this so badly. Yes I am going and taking a little piece of him with me and leaving him there.

Go to an Alabama football game. Yes I am going just for him.

Ireland. This is something that he and I talked about for quiet sometime. It is more my wish but he thought it was a great idea. Yes, I am going to bite the bullet and do it. It is going to take me over a year to save up for it but I am doing it.

Go back to school. He encouraged me to do this and was even willing to sacrifice moving so that I could. Maybe one day soon I am going to do what I have always wanted to do and not have to work two jobs.

Taking it Day by Day

It has almost been two months since my love has left us. To me it just seems like yesterday. I was doing pretty good for a while when I had a lot of stuff to keep me busy. Well now that things have finally settled down it finally hit me. Yes, that terrible roller coaster called grief. Let me tell you, there is nothing like it in the world. This is one ride I would like to get off of but life has other plans for me.
After a couple of weeks of really being down, I decided that this is something that I am just going to have to deal with like it or not.

Life is not fair and whoever said it was easy is full of crap!! There are times that I am hit so hard by a roller coaster of emotions that I feel I physically cannot breathe. The pain in my heart is so strong and overpowers me at times. Then there are the times when I actually can smile, laugh and enjoy life. There comes a point when you just put on a happy face and fake a smile because you know after a while people just don't want to hear how bad your day is or how you just feel like you are teetering on the edge of sanity. So for their sake I just fake being ok. My heart is very broken and shattered into a million little pieces and I know that one day it will be mended. It will never go back quiet the same but it will mend. I miss him everyday.

I put my whole faith in God and let him carry me on the days when I just don't want or feel that I can go on without Ted. In a weird way I love him more each day even though he is not physically here with us anymore. I will always love Ted and he will always have a piece of my heart that is just for him. I know that he is still with me in spirit as I feel him everyday. On the really bad days when I have to cry myself to sleep I can really feel him. Don't get me wrong, I feel his love around me every day but it is nice to know that when I have reached a point of being so sad, he is watching out over me. God will get me through this and one day I will be able to make sense of this. I will know what I am supposed to take from this.