Farewell For Now

A poem for Ted

God granted us mercy and peace for your frail body
Your soul was so big and beautiful that it just didn't have room
I am so caught up in sadness and gloom
There are times at night when I just weep and weep
I should be thankful to our Lord for ending your pain
But my heart is so broken and will never be the same

I will love you for a lifetime and a little bit more
I want you to know that I am going to be ok
I will still mourn for you a little each day
My faith is strong and one day years from now my heart might just mend
Our love is so strong that it will never end

Thank you for the beautiful times we had
I will treasure them forever and always
I am a better person just by having known you
You showed me love and kindness that I thought did not exist
I thank God that he sent you to me

Farewell for now my love, for this is just temporary
I know one day in the future we will meet again
I love you forever and then a little more
I am going to be ok for I have the love of our wonderful family and friends
God will ease the pain and let my heart mend.

I love you!

Wednesday's Are the Worst

Ted left his broken down shell of a body and found eternal peace three weeks ago today @ 10:10pm. Half of me is so at peace with that and the other half of me just wants him back here with all of us whole and sound. I know that is not going to happen and it doesn't make it any easier on me.

I dread every Wed now instead of rejoicing that God answered my plea for mercy and took him home. I hate being this selfish yet my heart wants what it wants. I know that he will always live in my heart and for that I am thankful. I do know that I won't forget him, what his voice sounds like or how he smelt. Those are things that I was so afraid I would lose.

I am so thankful for a loving God who ended Ted's suffering and took him to a place where there is no cancer or sickness. There is love and other things that we can only dream about. I am so looking foward to the day when he and I meet again and he can tell me what all to expect.

I love him more today than yesterday and will love him even more tomorrow.

I just don't know....

So much has happened and my life is just one big roller coaster of emotion right now. Ted has been gone three weeks today and it all just still seems so surreal to me at this moment.

There are certain songs I can listen to that remind me of him and I have to change the station once they start playing. I find myself at times drawing into myself and not wanting to talk to or be around people. Then there are times I think I might just be ok and want to be around people. Yes I manage to get up and come to work everyday but not wanting to be here. A wonderful co worker of mine give me some materials to read about grief and it's process and this poem was in one of those books. It pretty much sums up how I feel at this point.

Don't tell me that you understand
Don't tell me that you know
Don't tell me that I will survive
How I will surely grow.

Don't tell me this is just a test
That I am truly blessed
That I am chosen for this task
Apart from all the rest

Don't come at me with answers
That can only come from me
Don't tell me how my grief will pass
That I will soon be free

Don't stand in pious judgement
Of the bonds I must untie
Don't tell me how to suffer
And don't tell me how to cry

My life is filled with selfishness
My pain is all I see
But I need you, I need your love
Unconditionally

Accept me in my ups and downs
I need someone to share
Just hold my hand and let me cry
And say "My friend, I care"