I just want you to know that I'm ok. Yeah it still hurts a lot to know you are not with us anymore but, I don't cry as much as I did before. I'm making some changes in my life and hopefully for the better. I hope you will be proud of me and know that just because I smile and laugh a little bit more doesn't mean I miss you any less. It just means that I am starting to heal a little bit. I have been thinking a lot about what I am going to take away from your passing. I am still searching for that answer but one thing I do know is that you loved life so much and for your short time here you embraced it with every being in your body. I know that life is too short and I am going to live mine.
I'm sorry for the times I said I was too tired to do something you wanted. I'm sorry that I worked two jobs and missed out on so many Saturdays with you.
I'm sorry that I just now realized how I should live my life for me and not for anyone else.....you taught me that. I'm sorry for anything negative or hateful I ever said to you in anger. I'm sorry that we didn't have more time on earth together but you will always have my heart until the day it stops beating. I thank ...you for all the love, compassion, sweetness, joy and laughter you gave me. I thank you for teaching me that life should be lived to the fullest. I thank you for filling my heart with joy, love, beauty and sorrow.
I thank you for all the wonderful Sundays that we spent in bed just doing nothing but being near each other. I thank you for always believing in me even when I didn't believe in myself. I thank you for showing me what love really is. I thank you for sharing your love of music with me. I thank you for sharing your hopes..., fears, disappointments, joy, sorrow and secrets with me and for letting me do the same with you. I love you with every being in my body. I know that one day all of this pain of losing you in the physical form will be replaced with having you inside my heart. When that day comes and I think of you it will be all of the wonderful memories that I cherish.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Classic Movies I Heart
The Women (1939) Norma Shearer, Joan Crawford and Rosalind Russel.This is the one to see.
Laura (1944) Gene Tierney
Imitation of Life (1959) Lana Turner......
Today Was A Great Day
Today was a good day!! I actually had two flipping days off in a row, whoo hoo!!
It was so beautiful outside and I decided to push myself away from the computer and hit the road. There is nothing like a road trip by yourself. You don't have to talk to anyone and you can play your music as loud as you like. I rolled down the windows and enjoyed the spring like weather and blasted some awesome tunes.
I am actually starting to get used to doing things by myself. It is still awkward at times but it is getting better. I actually just spent time with myself and liked it. I do love my friends but I feel like I have let my very best friend in the whole world, myself neglected for quiet sometime now.
It was so beautiful outside and I decided to push myself away from the computer and hit the road. There is nothing like a road trip by yourself. You don't have to talk to anyone and you can play your music as loud as you like. I rolled down the windows and enjoyed the spring like weather and blasted some awesome tunes.
I am actually starting to get used to doing things by myself. It is still awkward at times but it is getting better. I actually just spent time with myself and liked it. I do love my friends but I feel like I have let my very best friend in the whole world, myself neglected for quiet sometime now.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
A New Year Means a Fresh Start
I have slacked off on my blog for a while as I have been dealing with this thing called life. It has been four months now and for the first time when the anniversary date rolled around I found myself not getting all hysterical and breaking down.
I see this as a baby step in making progress. I am hoping that with it being a new year that it will bring a better one. Needless to say, last year was probably the worst year of my entire life and not one I would want to repeat anytime soon.
I still find it hard to believe that he is really gone. I look at all of the pictures where he is so young and healthy and think, god, is it really true? Is he really gone for good? These days are getting better. There is a tiny part of me that has accepted that he is gone and he is not coming back. Does this mean that a sliver of my heart is actually healing? I hope so.
I feel like I have been on a deserted island and out of touch with the rest of the world these past few months. Oh I have gone through the motions of day to day crap but not really feeling like I am part of everybody Else's world. My life changed on Sept 16 and it will never be like it was before that date. It has changed me and I am hoping it is only for the better. Grief is a powerful emotion and there are so many stages of it.
I want this to be the year that I work on healing and moving forward with my life. Ted would not want any of us to wallow in pity and sadness. He loved life too much for that. I love life too much for that. I have found myself slowly getting back in touch with friends that I hadn't been talking to for a while. I am going to do my very best to make some positive changes in my life and carrying something away from all of this. I am still not sure what that is but maybe 50 so years from now I will.
I see this as a baby step in making progress. I am hoping that with it being a new year that it will bring a better one. Needless to say, last year was probably the worst year of my entire life and not one I would want to repeat anytime soon.
I still find it hard to believe that he is really gone. I look at all of the pictures where he is so young and healthy and think, god, is it really true? Is he really gone for good? These days are getting better. There is a tiny part of me that has accepted that he is gone and he is not coming back. Does this mean that a sliver of my heart is actually healing? I hope so.
I feel like I have been on a deserted island and out of touch with the rest of the world these past few months. Oh I have gone through the motions of day to day crap but not really feeling like I am part of everybody Else's world. My life changed on Sept 16 and it will never be like it was before that date. It has changed me and I am hoping it is only for the better. Grief is a powerful emotion and there are so many stages of it.
I want this to be the year that I work on healing and moving forward with my life. Ted would not want any of us to wallow in pity and sadness. He loved life too much for that. I love life too much for that. I have found myself slowly getting back in touch with friends that I hadn't been talking to for a while. I am going to do my very best to make some positive changes in my life and carrying something away from all of this. I am still not sure what that is but maybe 50 so years from now I will.
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