I heard a song by Sarah McLachlan today that made me think of Ted. The words could not be truer to my life right now. So the thing is I am slowly starting to heal but I don't know how to let him go. I honestly just think I am not ready to do it. I am so tired of people asking me when I am going to start dating again. Seriously people, wtf?
"I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go"
How do you make yourself move on after a loss this big? I wish that I had the answer. I know that this has taught me that I am stronger than I ever thought possible.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
There are so many things that I want to tell you
Hey Baby,
There are so many things that I want to tell you and ask you. There are times when I just feel like I can do this. Everyone expects me to be so strong and handle this so well. Well there are times when all I want to do is shut the whole world away and hide. At times I think that I am coping very well and ready to start moving on to a somewhat normal life. Then there are the times like driving home from work that my grief overwhelms me so much that all I can do is let the tears fall and beg God to end this pain. I have so many doubts and fears about things such as Are you really at peace? Will you forget me and what we had together? Will I ever seen you again and what will that day be like if it happens?
There are times when I get so lonely and I don't feel like I have a friend in the world even though I do. Nights are the hardest time for me. Do you know that I still reach for you sometimes? Do you know that there are still a lot of nights when I cry myself to sleep? Do you know how much it broke my heart having to let you go and honestly believe it in my heart when I told you it was ok to move on. I have been very angry with God and I know you shouldn't but I am not going to lie about it. Truthfully I have been pissed off at everyone and everything. Then it hit me I am pissed at you the most and for that I feel so guilty. I know you did not leave me on purpose but it still hurts me that you did. I love you so deeply and miss you more than anyone could ever know. It hurts knowing that you never got to be a daddy and even though you doubted it at times I know in my heart you would have been a wonderful one. See the thing is my love I am scared to have to move on with my life without you in it. I don't know what to do or where to go. I would give anything just to have you put your arms around me again, your chin on my head and hear your voice tell me that you love me and that I am going to be ok. Is that really too much to ask, I guess so because it's not ever going to happen again. I make you this promise that even though one day I know I will go on with my life and I might even try to love someone else, I will never ever forget you or how much love you brought to me. In the worst days of hell that I experience I somehow always manage to find one fleeting moment of a happy memory of you and that my love is when I know you might just still be around to guide me. Please don't forget me and please don't think for one minute that I am going to forget you. You have taken a huge part of my heart with you and I will have your love to carry me. I miss you so much, so very much and I love you more today than I did yesterday, and I will love you even more tomorrow. Your life and love for it has forever changed me and that is a gift I will always treasure. Love forever, Me
There are so many things that I want to tell you and ask you. There are times when I just feel like I can do this. Everyone expects me to be so strong and handle this so well. Well there are times when all I want to do is shut the whole world away and hide. At times I think that I am coping very well and ready to start moving on to a somewhat normal life. Then there are the times like driving home from work that my grief overwhelms me so much that all I can do is let the tears fall and beg God to end this pain. I have so many doubts and fears about things such as Are you really at peace? Will you forget me and what we had together? Will I ever seen you again and what will that day be like if it happens?
There are times when I get so lonely and I don't feel like I have a friend in the world even though I do. Nights are the hardest time for me. Do you know that I still reach for you sometimes? Do you know that there are still a lot of nights when I cry myself to sleep? Do you know how much it broke my heart having to let you go and honestly believe it in my heart when I told you it was ok to move on. I have been very angry with God and I know you shouldn't but I am not going to lie about it. Truthfully I have been pissed off at everyone and everything. Then it hit me I am pissed at you the most and for that I feel so guilty. I know you did not leave me on purpose but it still hurts me that you did. I love you so deeply and miss you more than anyone could ever know. It hurts knowing that you never got to be a daddy and even though you doubted it at times I know in my heart you would have been a wonderful one. See the thing is my love I am scared to have to move on with my life without you in it. I don't know what to do or where to go. I would give anything just to have you put your arms around me again, your chin on my head and hear your voice tell me that you love me and that I am going to be ok. Is that really too much to ask, I guess so because it's not ever going to happen again. I make you this promise that even though one day I know I will go on with my life and I might even try to love someone else, I will never ever forget you or how much love you brought to me. In the worst days of hell that I experience I somehow always manage to find one fleeting moment of a happy memory of you and that my love is when I know you might just still be around to guide me. Please don't forget me and please don't think for one minute that I am going to forget you. You have taken a huge part of my heart with you and I will have your love to carry me. I miss you so much, so very much and I love you more today than I did yesterday, and I will love you even more tomorrow. Your life and love for it has forever changed me and that is a gift I will always treasure. Love forever, Me
Am I Normal or Are These Signs of a Crazy Person?
I feel like I have been so pissed off for so long and I can't remember why. Oh yeah, it's this thing called being left behind. I know this is going to sound selfish and whiny but I believe you should just say it like it is. Well when you can and here is one place that happens.
I have been through hell and back, mind you it's not as bad as it could be. Yes I said it. The thing is, it has been bad enough for me and I honestly don't think I could take anymore right now. I have been dealing with a lot of emotions and they come and go so fast that I feel like I am sea sick at the moment. I have been dealing with guilt. Guilt because of the things that happened to cause Ted and I to break up for a while, guilt for acting somewhat irresponsible when we were broken up and guilt for starting to pick up the pieces and move on with my so called life. It is a very hard an bitter pill to swallow when your soul mate has left you here behind. In your mind they are forever stuck in that time and period, never aging, never growing old, never changing. Yet you do move on, you do age, you do change. At times it overwhelms me so much knowing that my life is forever changed and that there is not a damn thing I can do about. My heart has been completely shattered and I know as a coping skill I am throwing up that ten foot wall of concrete to protect myself from dipping into the grief pool. Why can't I just let go and let my heart break all the way so that I can start on this road to healing? Is it because being tough on the outside is something I have always done? I hate this damn feeling. At times I am so lonely, I know my friends love me and want to help me but this is not anything that they have had to experience yet. I feel like someone on the outside and I am not sure if I am ready to get back into the ring. I feel guilty for thinking that someday I will move on with my life and maybe date someone. That scares the hell out of me. Life has a funny way of jerking the rug out from under me and I hope I can take it the next time.
I have been through hell and back, mind you it's not as bad as it could be. Yes I said it. The thing is, it has been bad enough for me and I honestly don't think I could take anymore right now. I have been dealing with a lot of emotions and they come and go so fast that I feel like I am sea sick at the moment. I have been dealing with guilt. Guilt because of the things that happened to cause Ted and I to break up for a while, guilt for acting somewhat irresponsible when we were broken up and guilt for starting to pick up the pieces and move on with my so called life. It is a very hard an bitter pill to swallow when your soul mate has left you here behind. In your mind they are forever stuck in that time and period, never aging, never growing old, never changing. Yet you do move on, you do age, you do change. At times it overwhelms me so much knowing that my life is forever changed and that there is not a damn thing I can do about. My heart has been completely shattered and I know as a coping skill I am throwing up that ten foot wall of concrete to protect myself from dipping into the grief pool. Why can't I just let go and let my heart break all the way so that I can start on this road to healing? Is it because being tough on the outside is something I have always done? I hate this damn feeling. At times I am so lonely, I know my friends love me and want to help me but this is not anything that they have had to experience yet. I feel like someone on the outside and I am not sure if I am ready to get back into the ring. I feel guilty for thinking that someday I will move on with my life and maybe date someone. That scares the hell out of me. Life has a funny way of jerking the rug out from under me and I hope I can take it the next time.
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