Am I Normal or Are These Signs of a Crazy Person?

I feel like I have been so pissed off for so long and I can't remember why. Oh yeah, it's this thing called being left behind. I know this is going to sound selfish and whiny but I believe you should just say it like it is. Well when you can and here is one place that happens.
I have been through hell and back, mind you it's not as bad as it could be. Yes I said it. The thing is, it has been bad enough for me and I honestly don't think I could take anymore right now. I have been dealing with a lot of emotions and they come and go so fast that I feel like I am sea sick at the moment. I have been dealing with guilt. Guilt because of the things that happened to cause Ted and I to break up for a while, guilt for acting somewhat irresponsible when we were broken up and guilt for starting to pick up the pieces and move on with my so called life. It is a very hard an bitter pill to swallow when your soul mate has left you here behind. In your mind they are forever stuck in that time and period, never aging, never growing old, never changing. Yet you do move on, you do age, you do change. At times it overwhelms me so much knowing that my life is forever changed and that there is not a damn thing I can do about. My heart has been completely shattered and I know as a coping skill I am throwing up that ten foot wall of concrete to protect myself from dipping into the grief pool. Why can't I just let go and let my heart break all the way so that I can start on this road to healing? Is it because being tough on the outside is something I have always done? I hate this damn feeling. At times I am so lonely, I know my friends love me and want to help me but this is not anything that they have had to experience yet. I feel like someone on the outside and I am not sure if I am ready to get back into the ring. I feel guilty for thinking that someday I will move on with my life and maybe date someone. That scares the hell out of me. Life has a funny way of jerking the rug out from under me and I hope I can take it the next time.