I think they are just trying to kill me

Holy Shit

Day 2

OMG, I think the sole purpose of these work out videos is to kill you. See it won't matter if you are out of shape because these videos are going to make you have a heart attack and fall over.

Today's DVD was the Polymetrics one and let me tell you, I am seriously sweating like a hell I don't know, I am just sweating like hell. I feel terrible as I had to just stop several times because I was out of breath and my legs just won't go that far.
My arms and shoulders are so sore from yesterday's workout and I just know that tonight my legs and abs are going to be screaming at me. I hope I am able to semi roll out of bed in the morning to go to work.

I am so glad I didn't eat before doing this workout. The one good thing is it makes me drink a lot more water which I was very guilty of not doing.

Ok if I can get out bed tomorrow, I will update on Day 3.
Kiddos, tomorrow's movie is Shoulders, Arms and Abs....

My body flipping hates me right now

Day 1

Ok so I started Day 1 of the P90X. Can I just tell you how much my body hates me right now. It is screaming fatty please for the love of Pete, stop this insanity now!!!! Please, can you just go and eat some carbs for me, please.......shut up is what my brain is saying. This is about a lifestyle change for me.... I want to be healthy and not have to be on blood pressure medicine or diabetic medicine.

I will admit that at times I just had to stop and rest. This workout is very, very intense and I am so out of shape that I just could not keep up. There is nothing like sweating @ 7am on a Saturday morning though. Even though this is just the first day, I feel like I have a little more energy than usual. My shoulders and especially my abs are burning today. It is amazing how quickly time passes to get out of shape but trying to get back in shape, hell that is a whole other universe.

I had to bypass sausage, toast and eggs this morning and let me tell you those are some of my favorite things to eat. So far I have had water and coffee (hell no I am NOT giving that up).

I hope that I can manage to survive day 2. I am committed, I am going to do this for 90 days! Wish me luck :)

God willing if I can use my arms tomorrow I will update on Day 2

Time for A Change

It is time for a change, I don't like the way I look or feel at all. All it takes is seeing photos of yourself and you realize how bad you really are. OMG I have gained so much weight since Ted's death. Part of it is comfort eating and the other part is that I am just a lazy ass.

So, I have decided to start the P90X excercise program. I have seen a lot of friends have been doing it and I know it is going to be hard but I am going to commit myself to it for three months. Three months to get in better shape and be healthier. I am at risk for diabetes and high blood pressure and I don't want to be on medicines.
So I know this is going to be hard for me as I love to eat a whole bunch of unhealthy foods but I think after a while I will get used to eating better.

I hear this exercise program really kicks your ass which is just what I need @ this point.

So come tomorrow moring, I will start day 1. I will update my blog with my progress and see how far I come...wish me luck!

The Good Ole Summer Time

For the first time in a long time I am actually enjoying life. I guess all I needed to do was have my mini breakdown last week and finally let out all of my pent up grief.
I had the best weekend in a long time with some amazing friends.
I have to say that I am a very lucky gal in that I have a lot of friends. They are all different and all special to me in their own way.
I love my friends, they make me laugh, I can be myself with them and they love me.

Sometimes laughter is the best medicine and I did a lot of that these last few days.

Till The Rivers All Run Dry

So it finally happened, I hit that dip and dark pool of grief that I have been fighting for the last nine months. OMG, can I just say that there are no words for the level of pain that I felt. I have been putting up my walls of defense for so long and fighting having to deal with it. Well I truly believe that there comes a point when your body says enough is enough and you are finally going to deal with this shit like it or not.
It hit me this past Sunday, for some reason unknown to me Sundays seem to be my breakdown days. Well actually I think it is because Sundays were our special days as it was usually the only one that we had off together.....
Anyway, I had a complete and total meltdown Sunday. To the point that I could NOT quit crying for anything in the world no matter how bad I tried. I am not suicidal but the pain that I felt in my heart was so intense and physically was at the point I would have done anything to make it stop. There is a point when you are hurting so bad and you can't even console yourself where you have to turn to your make to make it stop. So that is what I did, I begged God for mercy to make this pain go away.
In a way I am glad that it finally happened, it means that the shock of Ted's death has finally worn off and now I can actually deal with the grief so that I can hopefully start my way on the road to healing.

I Don't Know How To Let You Go

I heard a song by Sarah McLachlan today that made me think of Ted. The words could not be truer to my life right now. So the thing is I am slowly starting to heal but I don't know how to let him go. I honestly just think I am not ready to do it. I am so tired of people asking me when I am going to start dating again. Seriously people, wtf?

"I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go"

How do you make yourself move on after a loss this big? I wish that I had the answer. I know that this has taught me that I am stronger than I ever thought possible.

There are so many things that I want to tell you

Hey Baby,
There are so many things that I want to tell you and ask you. There are times when I just feel like I can do this. Everyone expects me to be so strong and handle this so well. Well there are times when all I want to do is shut the whole world away and hide. At times I think that I am coping very well and ready to start moving on to a somewhat normal life. Then there are the times like driving home from work that my grief overwhelms me so much that all I can do is let the tears fall and beg God to end this pain. I have so many doubts and fears about things such as Are you really at peace? Will you forget me and what we had together? Will I ever seen you again and what will that day be like if it happens?
There are times when I get so lonely and I don't feel like I have a friend in the world even though I do. Nights are the hardest time for me. Do you know that I still reach for you sometimes? Do you know that there are still a lot of nights when I cry myself to sleep? Do you know how much it broke my heart having to let you go and honestly believe it in my heart when I told you it was ok to move on. I have been very angry with God and I know you shouldn't but I am not going to lie about it. Truthfully I have been pissed off at everyone and everything. Then it hit me I am pissed at you the most and for that I feel so guilty. I know you did not leave me on purpose but it still hurts me that you did. I love you so deeply and miss you more than anyone could ever know. It hurts knowing that you never got to be a daddy and even though you doubted it at times I know in my heart you would have been a wonderful one. See the thing is my love I am scared to have to move on with my life without you in it. I don't know what to do or where to go. I would give anything just to have you put your arms around me again, your chin on my head and hear your voice tell me that you love me and that I am going to be ok. Is that really too much to ask, I guess so because it's not ever going to happen again. I make you this promise that even though one day I know I will go on with my life and I might even try to love someone else, I will never ever forget you or how much love you brought to me. In the worst days of hell that I experience I somehow always manage to find one fleeting moment of a happy memory of you and that my love is when I know you might just still be around to guide me. Please don't forget me and please don't think for one minute that I am going to forget you. You have taken a huge part of my heart with you and I will have your love to carry me. I miss you so much, so very much and I love you more today than I did yesterday, and I will love you even more tomorrow. Your life and love for it has forever changed me and that is a gift I will always treasure. Love forever, Me