Christmas Cookies

I baked Fruitcake Cookies tonight, these bring back a lot of memories for me. My Grandma baked them every year and gave them out to a lot of family members who cherished her baked goods. It brings back memories of childhood and being in her kitchen which always smelled so good. I remember sitting on her yellow chair that was also a stool and helping her measure and mix things up. I remember her humming while she baked for days on end. I remember her laugh and how much love she showed all of us.

I bake these cookies every year in honor of her and that happened to be Ted's favorite cookies too. Tonight when I was making them I was a little sad as I remembered my Grandma and not having Ted here to snatch the first dozen as soon as they came out of the oven. He wouldn't even let them get cool first....lol. I am going to do my best to survive this Christmas and try not to miss him too much.

Christmas is Coming

Christmas is coming and this is one holiday that has got me down. I am doing my best to stay in the Christmas spirit but it is really hard. This is my first Christmas without Ted and everywhere I look there are constant reminders of him. I was in K Mar the other day and what do they have as a gift set, Star Wars coffee mugs...ugh! I know that he would have loved those. Then there are all the happy (or so they seem to me) couples together and I am reminded that this Christmas for the first time in 6 years I an all alone. It pretty much sucks ass.

Ted loved Christmas sooo much and was such a big kid about it. I found myself picking up some Family Guy pj's the other day thinking to myself, oh Ted will love these for Chris....then a snap back into reality that he will not be here this year. How do I keep my heart from shattering all over again???? I wish someone had the answer for me and I could just snap my fingers and these terrible feelings would just go away. I do have a wonderful family who I am blessed to be with during the holidays and I try to keep that in mind. It is just really hard not being able to share this with him physically. I know that spiritually he is here with me as I feel him every now and then. I will do my best to enjoy Christmas enough this year for both of us......

Rainy Days Always Get Me Down

I really hate this emotional roller coaster I am on. Yesterday was a great day. I worked all day and then went out to dinner with one of my bff's and saw New Moon again. Yes it was great the second time around. We had some much needed girl time to chat and just hang out. A real estrogen party I tell ya.

Then today I woke up early and came home. It has been raining all day and for some reason it has given me the blues. Why??????!!!!!!

I found myself really missing Ted today, why more today than yesterday? I just don't understand how some days can be ok then others just knock me on my ass. Is it because Sundays were our day? The day when we could just sleep in and lay around all day? Sundays were our day to lay in bed most of the day and cuddle, watch movies and talk about all the things that were sacred to us. Sundays where the days when we didn't have to rush in the mornings to get ready for work. Sundays where the days when I didn't have to fix my hair or put on makeup and he would tell me how beautiful I am without all of those things. Sundays were the days when we shut out the whole world and just focused on us. Sundays were special days to us and god how I miss them. Just when I don't think that my heart can break anymore, it does. I have found that a hot bath is the perfect place to cry and have a mini meltdown. I wonder if one day the tears won't come for him anymore. I wonder if one day I won't hurt this bad for him anymore? I wonder if one day Sundays will bring happy memories for me and not tears or pain?

I try to be strong and brave like him, I really do. I just wish I could close my eyes for one night without the tears.

The Bucket List

I have decided to start a bucket list for myself in honor of my sweetheart. He did not get the chance to do his own so I am going to honor him.

This whole journey with him has made me realize that life is short and you never know when your turn is going to end. How many times have I said to myself, if only I would have..............
Well, no more!! There are several things that I want to do before my time is up and sitting around is not going to get any of them done. This will be a slow work in progress but I am going to do a few of them if not all. I just started thinking about this in the last couple of weeks so this will be a work in progress for me. I think that I will just add to it time from time. So baby since you didn't get to do some of the things we had talked about on that Friday before you left, I am going to do them for you.

Go the beach, he wanted to do this so badly. Yes I am going and taking a little piece of him with me and leaving him there.

Go to an Alabama football game. Yes I am going just for him.

Ireland. This is something that he and I talked about for quiet sometime. It is more my wish but he thought it was a great idea. Yes, I am going to bite the bullet and do it. It is going to take me over a year to save up for it but I am doing it.

Go back to school. He encouraged me to do this and was even willing to sacrifice moving so that I could. Maybe one day soon I am going to do what I have always wanted to do and not have to work two jobs.

Taking it Day by Day

It has almost been two months since my love has left us. To me it just seems like yesterday. I was doing pretty good for a while when I had a lot of stuff to keep me busy. Well now that things have finally settled down it finally hit me. Yes, that terrible roller coaster called grief. Let me tell you, there is nothing like it in the world. This is one ride I would like to get off of but life has other plans for me.
After a couple of weeks of really being down, I decided that this is something that I am just going to have to deal with like it or not.

Life is not fair and whoever said it was easy is full of crap!! There are times that I am hit so hard by a roller coaster of emotions that I feel I physically cannot breathe. The pain in my heart is so strong and overpowers me at times. Then there are the times when I actually can smile, laugh and enjoy life. There comes a point when you just put on a happy face and fake a smile because you know after a while people just don't want to hear how bad your day is or how you just feel like you are teetering on the edge of sanity. So for their sake I just fake being ok. My heart is very broken and shattered into a million little pieces and I know that one day it will be mended. It will never go back quiet the same but it will mend. I miss him everyday.

I put my whole faith in God and let him carry me on the days when I just don't want or feel that I can go on without Ted. In a weird way I love him more each day even though he is not physically here with us anymore. I will always love Ted and he will always have a piece of my heart that is just for him. I know that he is still with me in spirit as I feel him everyday. On the really bad days when I have to cry myself to sleep I can really feel him. Don't get me wrong, I feel his love around me every day but it is nice to know that when I have reached a point of being so sad, he is watching out over me. God will get me through this and one day I will be able to make sense of this. I will know what I am supposed to take from this.

Farewell For Now

A poem for Ted

God granted us mercy and peace for your frail body
Your soul was so big and beautiful that it just didn't have room
I am so caught up in sadness and gloom
There are times at night when I just weep and weep
I should be thankful to our Lord for ending your pain
But my heart is so broken and will never be the same

I will love you for a lifetime and a little bit more
I want you to know that I am going to be ok
I will still mourn for you a little each day
My faith is strong and one day years from now my heart might just mend
Our love is so strong that it will never end

Thank you for the beautiful times we had
I will treasure them forever and always
I am a better person just by having known you
You showed me love and kindness that I thought did not exist
I thank God that he sent you to me

Farewell for now my love, for this is just temporary
I know one day in the future we will meet again
I love you forever and then a little more
I am going to be ok for I have the love of our wonderful family and friends
God will ease the pain and let my heart mend.

I love you!

Wednesday's Are the Worst

Ted left his broken down shell of a body and found eternal peace three weeks ago today @ 10:10pm. Half of me is so at peace with that and the other half of me just wants him back here with all of us whole and sound. I know that is not going to happen and it doesn't make it any easier on me.

I dread every Wed now instead of rejoicing that God answered my plea for mercy and took him home. I hate being this selfish yet my heart wants what it wants. I know that he will always live in my heart and for that I am thankful. I do know that I won't forget him, what his voice sounds like or how he smelt. Those are things that I was so afraid I would lose.

I am so thankful for a loving God who ended Ted's suffering and took him to a place where there is no cancer or sickness. There is love and other things that we can only dream about. I am so looking foward to the day when he and I meet again and he can tell me what all to expect.

I love him more today than yesterday and will love him even more tomorrow.

I just don't know....

So much has happened and my life is just one big roller coaster of emotion right now. Ted has been gone three weeks today and it all just still seems so surreal to me at this moment.

There are certain songs I can listen to that remind me of him and I have to change the station once they start playing. I find myself at times drawing into myself and not wanting to talk to or be around people. Then there are times I think I might just be ok and want to be around people. Yes I manage to get up and come to work everyday but not wanting to be here. A wonderful co worker of mine give me some materials to read about grief and it's process and this poem was in one of those books. It pretty much sums up how I feel at this point.

Don't tell me that you understand
Don't tell me that you know
Don't tell me that I will survive
How I will surely grow.

Don't tell me this is just a test
That I am truly blessed
That I am chosen for this task
Apart from all the rest

Don't come at me with answers
That can only come from me
Don't tell me how my grief will pass
That I will soon be free

Don't stand in pious judgement
Of the bonds I must untie
Don't tell me how to suffer
And don't tell me how to cry

My life is filled with selfishness
My pain is all I see
But I need you, I need your love
Unconditionally

Accept me in my ups and downs
I need someone to share
Just hold my hand and let me cry
And say "My friend, I care"

A Prayer for the Sick

Almighty and Everlasting God, preserver of souls, who dost correct those whom Thou dost love, and for their betterment dost tenderly chastise those whom Thou dost receive, we call upon Thee, O Lord, to grant Thy healing, that the soul of Thy servant, at the hour of its departure from the body, may by the hands of Thy holy Angels be presented without spot unto Thee. Amen.

Life is a Cruel Bitch

Yeah that's right, life is just one cruel bitch. I haven't blogged in a while and after the news we received from the doctor today, I felt the need to.
Ted has been through the hell of chemo and radiation and for what??? Just to have the cancer spread to his lymph nodes which they will try to treat with more radiation. My god has all of this hell he has been through been in vain?

Butt Crack O Dawn

Seriously why in the hell do I ALWAYS manage to get up at the butt crack o dawn on my days off?!?!?! When I have to work, I could sleep all day and most days I do over sleep. Is it part of getting older and having your inner alarm clock go off. Wake up sleepy head you don't need to be in bed anymore. I would like to tell it "screw you!". One of these days I am going to find that snooze or off button and use it!

Sometimes, Life Just Sucks

I haven't updated on Ted in a while. I had been sick and not able to come and stay with him. He went to the doctor on Wed and got the results from his CT scan which was not very good at all. There is the one tumor that started out at 6cm and has now grown to 12cm, which means it has grown 2cm per month. The chemo did not affect the tumor at all, if anything it has gotten worse and spread to his ribs now.
The doctor is not giving a great outlook, at this point they are administrating radiation to see if they can get his pain level down.

It is not looking good at all as they do not think that the tumor will shrink or really respond to the radiation enough for surgery. If this doesn't work, there is nothing else that they can do. I know that Words cannot begin to express the heartache that I feel at this point. Ted and I were together for over 5 years and just because we are not a couple anymore doesn't mean I don't still love and care about him, maybe on a different level at this point. I promised him from the start that I would see him through this and I am keeping that promise to him.

Life just really sucks and is not fair.

Fab - O Friday

Yeah I have been slacking on posting here lately. What can I say except well I have been kinda busy with this thing called life.

Happy to report that Ted is doing WONDERFULLY and has had a week of not being in pain. He even cooked dinner last night which is a big feat for him considering all he has wanted to do the last couple of months is lay around. He did enjoy making dinner but told me that he had to lay down after he got finished becuase he was just worn out.

I am taking him back to the doctor on Monday for his next 6 week check up and I have a mile long list of questions for this doctor of his. He had a bone scan last week to see how the chemo is affecting his bones and other body parts. I will keep you posted as to what questions his doctor does answer for me.

Terrible Thursday Vol ....oh hell I have lost count

I am gonna take a few moments and vent, shocking isn't?

So Ted had his last chemo treatment on Tuesday until June 1st. Oh the way to his house, my car started making this god awful loud noise. Mind you I have just had work done on it about 3 months ago. Well guess what, my exhaust system has a huge crack in it and my O2 sensor blew off, now what does this mean you ask?
Well my car is louder than an Harley Davidson, it fills up with gas fumes and gets crappy gas mileage at this point. Needless to say it will be going back the mechanic on Friday and will be there until next Friday.

Ever have those days where you feel like you could just burst out in song and dance? Well this ain't one of those days!

Since I have no ride, I had to take off work yesterday and today. I went to the doctor with Ted yesterday and he was given a new prescription for a pain patch that is supposed to help. The doctor said it would be great for him and would work for his budget which at this point is null and void. He does NOT have insurance and will not start receiving disability until July 22. So we got to Wal-Mart to get this miracle drug filled and the nice young lady at the counter says that it will be 279.00. WTF?!?!?! Someone please explain to me how in the hell it cost the drug company 300.00 to make a pain medicine for a cancer patient.
"I'm sorry sir, you have already been screwed by getting cancer but let's see if we can screw you just a little bit more and not even let you enjoy it!"
I don't know what kind of budget this doctor is on but I am pretty sure that his income is more than both of ours put together. Note to self, be sure and ask him if he is willing to donate to charity cause we need some over here!

We then went to another pharmacy and guess what it was a whole $15.00 cheaper there. Wow, what a relief. Needless to say we went back to the cancer clinic and had to ask for a pain med that was in our poverty level budget. We get it filled for the bargain price of $35.00. Ted then takes two of them as prescribed and is feeling ok.
Well, that was just a test as last night was probably the 3rd worst night he has had since all of this started. We were up half the night with him pacing the floor as he was in EXTREME pain. Finally, I decided to give him one of his old pain pills and a nerve pill as he was over the edge. I probably over medicated him but at the point he was, I figured what the hell? Anything to give him some kind of relief would do.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day cause so far since 12:01am, this day has kinda blown!

Friends

I have some of the best friends in the world. No matter what is going on I know that I can always count on them. If it is a shoulder to cry on, an ear to vent to or just to make me laugh so much that I can't catch my breath. Even if I am the butt of the joke.

Friends are the family that you get to choose and that is such a blessing. I treasure my friends more than anything and so glad that they chose to be my friend too!

If it had not been for my awesome friends these last couple of months, I might have lost my mind or sank so far down into the black pit of depression. When I am feeling down, tired, or just like giving up, my friends make sure that I don't. I love them all very much and will never be able to repay them for holding me up when I just did not have the strength to go on.

A Good Day

Wow! We are having a good day today. After 5 treatments everyday, Ted is feeling much better today and actually playing his Wii for the first time since he got it. I am so happy and thankful for these rare and great days.

It is amazing how during all of this you just treasure all of the small things that normally would go unnoticed. God is helping us through this journey and we are so very grateful for these little blessings. We go back to the doctor on Friday and I am going to ask how much more treatment time we are looking at so that we can get a better idea of where we stand.

Heartache

This week has been a really rough one. Ted is having the roughest week so far. The chemo is whipping his butt and taking names. He is very, very weak and now at the point of not wanting to eat. He has been very sick and hurting more than before. I have to ask myself, is the chemo working and really attacking the cancer or is it spreading? I am trying to be positive and making myself believe that it is attacking the cancer and winning. He is having to suffer for it to get better.
Seeing him so weak and in pain is breaking my heart.

What Hope Is

If hope could be a color
It would be yellow
As bright as the sun

If hope could be a taste
It would be chocolate

If hope could be a smell
It would be clothes drying on the line


If hope could be a sound
It would be the singing of a blackbird


If hope could be a feeling
It would be warm like the sunshine


If hope could be an animal
It would be white dove.

Mush Mouth

So a few weeks ago I took Ted to the clinic to get one of his shots to boost his white blood cell count. Usually after about 15 - 30 minutes after receving one of these said shots he will get a little boost of energy.
He decided he wanted to go to some thrift stores as that is something we both like to do...

After a going to a few stores and not looking for anything particular, Ted comes up the register with his most prized posession..........


Yes he got himself a "Mush Mouth" hat like the one in Fat Albert. I think it is AWESOME!!!

Am I Selfish?

I am so beyond being tired at this point that I am not sure how I am managing to function. Last week was a rough week with Ted and I stayed at his house all week trying to help out in any way that I could. I am not sure at this point at what I am doing to help.

It is very hard to watch someone you care about try to fight cancer and endure all of the poking, proding and vile chemicals being placed in their body. Chemo takes away so much from a person and they go through so many emotions and you (the caretaker) have to have a back bone made out of steel. It changes their personality in ways that you cannot imagine. It is hard for him to control his anger and not draw into himself which I know that is EXACTLY what he wants to do. He has managed to keep some of his sense of humor in this but at the same time he is pissed off too. I feel he has every right to be. I can't speak for him on how he is feeling on the inside but I am sure he is pissed at the world right now. I know this sounds selfish and I really should not be complaining at all because he is the one fighting this battle and all I am doing is standing on the sidelines trying my best to cheer him on. Last night he told me that he is tired of being tired and just having to lay around all of the time. Even when he does lay around he cannot get comfortable and I honestly think at this stage he just passes out for a little bit from being exhausted.

If it were not for my great friends I honestly think I could not have made it a few times this week. They will never have any idea how much I appreciate them and their friendship. I know a couple of nights I should have just stayed there and rested but it comes to a point where I just need to be around my friends. They make me laugh and I can relax just a little bit. Don't get me wrong, I am still thinking about him while I am with them but I can also just let my guard down enough to laugh.

So am I being selfish by going home for a few days to pull my thoughts together and catch up on some much needed rest? Am I being selfish for just wanting to be by myself and not deal with this for a couple of days? I guess so and I do feel really guilty about it but if I don't, I am just going to fall out and that won't do anybody any good at this point.

What a Week

I am so tired and worn out from lack of sleep this week. Thank goodness I had a three day weekend where I managed to sneak in a couple of naps. Ted has really had a rough week this past week and tonight is not any better.

He cannot find a comfortable position in which to lay down to sleep. The tumor is in his right lung and is pushing in on the nerves in his back and now causing some pain in his side too. This makes it very hard for him to lay down and sleep. He is on some strong medication and they will finally knock him out for an hour or so and then he is right back up again. It is very frustrating for he and I both. I hate to see him in pain and not be able to do anything about it at all. He is frustrated from hurting and not getting enough rest.

We did have a great Easter. He had wanted to go to church with me but just wasn't up for the car ride to go. He did manage to have a fairly decent nap today and he ate a lot of his Easter Dinner. Let me just tell you that chemo is just some nasty shit and totally screws up a lot in a person.

He has always had a sweet tooth but not anymore. It used to be that if there was ANY chocolate in the house, he would devour it. I made brownies for him on Thursday, I think that he might have eaten one so far. I had to throw them out today. Before, he would have eaten half of them in one sitting. He can't taste much anymore and I have noticed that he is eating less than he did when the treatments first started.

Life With Chemo - Part 2

Well, it finally happened. Ted started losing his hair, he could really care less about that at this stage in the game. I took a couple of days off and went home for the weekend. In order to keep what little bit of sanity we both have, it is good for both of us to get a couple of days away from each other, really. I tend to mother him a little too much at times and he tends to be a stubborn patient at times so it balances out. LOL!

I went back to his house Sunday morning and noticed that he had hair all over his shirt. He told me that his hair started coming out a lot while he was in the shower. He asked me if I would shave his head. Ok, so to chase the white rabbit here for a moment, when Ted and I first started dating he asked me to shave his hair for him as he had a job outside. Let's just say that being a "barber/hair stylist" is NOT in my future. I think it was possibly the worst jacked up buzz cut I have ever seen in my life. So you can imagine when he asked me to cut his hair again what thoughts were going through my head. I tell him about my hesitancy to do this, he in his usual smart ass humor way replies "It's not like you can totally screw it up, it's all gonna fall out anyway."

So we proceed to the back porch and I put the only guard I can find on his clippers and start shaving away. I REFUSED to shave without the guard on as I did not want to truly scalp him as he is at such a risk for infection right now. I think this time it was still a little jacked up but not as bad as the first time I cut it.

He went yesterday to a barber and had it shaved the rest of the way off. I guess he really didn't like my home style hair cut. I told him I am still on the hunt for a Viking Helmet and for the mean time if he wanted a bandanna I would get him one. He is cool just walking around with a bald head.

Life with Chemo - Part 1

Ok, so I have really twisted sense of humor and considering what we have been going through, I have to laugh at some stuff, really.

Ted has started his second round of chemo this week. It is really kicking his butt. It is very hard to watch someone you care about go through this let me tell you. Ted really appreciates my twisted sense of humor and has give approval on any story that I post about him, honest.

So last night after getting back to his house, I went in to check on him. He was really tired from his treatment and he has a cold on top of everything else. So I was feeling of his head to make sure he wasn't running a fever. Thank goodness he wasn't. Now, he has been in the bed for quite a while and had what I like to call "bed hair" and he is very pale. I told him if he was sparkly I would have to call him Edward (Twilight). For some reason he found this very amusing......even though he HATES Twilight.

I also told him that I didn't think that he was going to loose his hair as he has a headful of it. He told me yeah he was, the nurses have already told him to expect it in the next couple of weeks. I told him then I would get him some really cute bandanas to cover his head with. He says "I was afraid of that. That's ok. I don't want any gay head wraps." I told him I wouldn't get him hot pink or purple, I promised not to. He told me that he wants a Viking Hat, points and all. I asked him why in the world would you want a Viking Hat? He replies back " Just because I can and plus when I go in for chemo with my Viking Hat on, everyone will think I am crazy and not bother me with polite small talk. " I at this point start laughing as you would just have to know how he is and the way he can tell you something and make it seem so serious while being a smart ass.

You can bet your sweet butt that I am now on the hunt for a Viking Hat and shall make sure that he has one.

Adventures at the ER

True Story...Picture it....Chattanooga, TN...2009

I was at Erlanger Hospital with an ill friend. I'd gone outside to smoke and get some fresh air with another friend who was sitting with me. There's a biker crew on my right, a parking garage dead ahead and my friend on my left. Suddenly, this junior biker ( smile ) riding a big, new Harley and donning the equivalent of a beanie hat for a helmet cruises around the corner. Junior then proceeds to the parking garage. The next few moments passed in slow motion yet, too quickly to catch on film...Junior - trying to avoid paying to park - decides he will just go AROUND the big yellow arm which guards the parking garage. As he barrels his way into the garage, while attempting to maneuver around the big yellow arm of death, he collides dead ass into the arm. The arm immediately greeted him by sling shotting him off the bike in a cartoon-esque manner - junior landing on his butt infront of me, my friend AND the biker gang, looking dazed, confused and humiliated.

A definite FAIL for Junior.

My Mom's Game Is Slipping

Yesterday my brother in law called to see if I could pick up my nephew from school. Well I was on my way to Fort Payne with Ted to see his new oncologist. I ended up calling Mom and asking her if she could do it and let her know that my sister or brother in law would be there to pick him up.

Mom aka Mamaw is NOTORIOUS for not letting my sister and brother in law that Benjamin got into trouble at school until one of them comes to pick up "Rocky" (see previous post). She lets him come to her house and have fun before he has to face the firing squad. Ok I am just a little pissed about this because she NEVER had a problem beating us when we acted up. Seriously my mom's game is slipping.

"Rocky" took his newest Transformer to school (yes he finally got one after being good for a couple of days) and was so involved with playing with it that he just did NOT have time to do his school work. His teacher (who deserves a special place in heaven for dealing with 4 y/o childern all day) told him he had to put away his toy and do his work. Well, being the stubborn child that he is (I have NO idea where this comes from either...lol) just chose not to hear her and and in his usual behavior made sound effects for the whole class. His teacher took away his Transformer which caused a melt down at this point and he pitched himself a good ole temper tantrum. Well this caused a ruckuss in the classroom from his classmates, so his teacher led him outside and made him sit out at the desk in the hall. This desk and Rocky know each other pretty well at this point in the year.

He finally did his work at which point he worked his way back down to yellow after being on red. Mamaw picks him up from school and the teacher tells her about his day and also sends home a note for mom and dad. Mamaw takes him to Wendy's (which is ONLY supposed to be a treat if he is good), takes him back to her house where he is overloaded on his cartoons and lets him pretty much do anything that he wants to do. She also gives him a NEW TRANSFORMER that she had bought him on Sunday. I am thinking, really mom? What is it about grandparents that makes them forget how they treated you, their own child for bad behavior. When it comes to grandchildren, they just do NO wrong in grandparents eyes.

My sister arrives to pick up "Rocky" and he shows her his new Transformer that Mamaw bought him and tells her he had a good day at school. Mamaw finally has to confess to the Gustapo about what happened at the O.K. Corral and that yes she did give him a new toy but she had already bought it for him. My sister just shook her head and got the boy and took him home. I know that she gave him a firm talking to and at this point he is NOT allowed to take anymore toys to school. This child, being the bright on that he is says "Well I can still have them at home".

He is going to his Mamaw's this weekend......

4 year old +2, Adults - Double 0........Score!

Roller Coaster

These last two weeks have been one HELL of a roller coaster ride. The love of my life (even though we are kind of broken up, yeah right...lol) has been having some upper back pain for about a month and passing kidney stones like crazy. First he went to a doc in the box and they gave him some muscle relaxers and said he just strained his back due to passing so many kidney stones. Well on Friday, March 13th he finally went to the ER as he could not stand the pain anymore. They admitted him for upper back pain. He finally had an x-ray which showed a spot on his right lung, this entailed having a CT scan done which showed a 6 cm mass on his right lung. He then had to have a bronoscopy done. Now mind you these was over the course of a few days. So there he is laying in the bed hurting and scared out of his mind not knowing what is going on. In walks the resident (who in my opinion really needs to work on his bed side manner) and proceeds to tell us that Ted has lung cancer. Ok, so now we have just had the damn wind kicked out of us. Lung Cancer @ 33?????!!!!! WTF?!?!
Then the onslaught of other doctors start, first there is the hospitalist(whom we're not sure what in the hell he is there for), the oncologist who finally tells us that the test results came back as cancer but they are not sure what kind. Ok, so the resident told us Lung Cancer and now we don't know, what in the hell?, it is like the right hand is NOT talking to the left hand at this point.
He then has a thoracic surgeon do a procedure where he cuts about a 3 in incision right underneath the Adam's Apple and take a larger piece of tissue from the tumor as the Bronchoscopy came back inconclusive. About a day later the oncologist comes back and tells us that it is a "germ cell tumor". Basically this is testicular cancer that has spread to his lung. It is a very rare cancer that only about 1 in a million people get. So after a week of fretting and thinking that he has lung cancer, we are told something totally different but the great thing is that this is 90% treatable. Through this whole time Ted has managed to keep his sense of humor as he is on a lot of medication, steroids (to which he asks all the nurses if he will play baseball better now), blood thinner, pain meds, and fluids.
After the test comes back with a definite diagnosis, he is then told that this is an aggressive cancer and that the oncologist wants him to start chemo immediately to fight this.
He has to have 4 rounds of chemo which is 5 days on then 5 days off and so on (all in all about 2 months worth). He is on Bleomycin, VP 16, and another one which I cannot think of at this time.
Let me just say this man is a trooper!! It is very hard to watch someone you care about lay in the bed and receive chemo and grow weaker and weaker by the day. Thank god they have him on medication that keeps him knocked out for most of it.
After 12 days he finally got to go home yesterday and is resting quite well, which I am sure is due partly to pain medication and the other part from being so weak from the chemo.
I stayed at the hospital with him a lot and got him home and settled. I could not imagine not being there for him as I know that he would do the same for me if I were in his shoes. We are all praying and hoping that he only has to go through 4 rounds of chemo. Will post more later.

4 year old 1, Adults -0 (yes minus 0)

I now have a new nickname for Benjamin and it is Rocky. Yesterday while driving home my mom called and asked if I had heard the latest story on him. At this point I am thinking uh oh. Apparently Benjamin got into a fight at school with another little boy in his class (over what we do not know) but Benjamin out of nowhere turned into Rocky. This boy hit Benjamin and he being the little tush hog that he is slammed this boy down on the gym floor and sat on his head. I so see him becoming a famous WWF star in his future.
The teacher managed to get Benjamin off of the boy's head and put him in time out. Now for most people who have a basic understanding of the conduct system, there are three colors that children can be placed on. Green (good behavior), Yellow (warning/semi bad behavior) and Red (very bad behavior). Well guess which color the boy was placed on? You got it, red. His daddy told him that if he had a good day at school they could go to Wal-Mart and he would be able to get a new Transformer action figure. Well let's just say that he knew he was not going to Wal-Mart after school. I am guessing this really pissed him off as he yelled at the teacher and the opponet whose head he sat on "Now I a won't get to get my Transformer". When his daddy came to school to pick him up, he told him "Daddy, we don't need to go to my classroom" as he knew what was gonna happen if his Daddy saw that he was on red.
So he did not get to pick out a new Transformer but this sneaky little boy had a back up plan. He calls our mom aka Mamaw and tells her "I love you Mamaw, I really miss you. Will you pick me up from school tommorrow?" in his sweetest little boy voice. Well Mamaw had no idea that Rocky had been in a WWF smackdown at school, nor that he was on red or that he got a spanking when he got home. She thinking, awww my little guy loves and misses his Mamaw responds back "Sure sweetie, you know Mamaw will pick you up tommorrow. We'll go get your new watch.
This sweet, blonde headed boy has just played all the adults like a fine tuned fiddle. My sister who has heard this conversation gets on the phone with our mother and tells her all about Benjamin's day and how he is not going to get his Transformer now. Our mother, whose game is slipping in her old age says "Well I did not put stipulations on the watch, so I guess we are going to get it".
At this point 4 year old 1, Adults -0

Bruised But Not Broken

Daphne turned me onto this song last year at a point in my life when I needed it. I so thank you for that sweetie. I listened to it again last week and turned my friend onto it. For anyone who has ever had a broken heart or is nursing one now.....

"Bruised But Not Broken" Joss Stone

Been alot that I've been through
I cried a tear a time or two
Baby, you know I cried some over you, yeah
Had my heart kicked to the ground
Love ripped me up and tore me down, baby

But that ain't enough to break me
Cuz I'll rise above it
And I'll pick myself up
And I'll dust the pain off my heart


And I'll be alright
And I'll love again
And the wounds will mend
I'm bruised but not broken
And the pain will fade
I'll get back on my feet
It's not the end of me
My heart is still open
I'm bruised but not broken

Been alot of tears stained nights
I thought the tears were here for life, baby
The hurt came on and held on tight, yeah
Took a chance, I took a fall
Love broke my heart and shattered all my dreams
But I won't be down on my knees
Cuz I'll rise above it
And I'll pick myself up
And I'll shake the rain out of my heart


And I'll be alright
And I'll love again
And the wounds will mend
I'm bruised but not broken
And the pain will fade
I'll get back on my feet
It's not the end of me
My heart is still open
I'm bruised but not broken

Gonna pick my heart up
Take my life back
Shake the hurt away
Pull myself together, put the pieces back in place
I learned love's so hard
Love left my soul scarred
I was shattered inside


And I'll be alright
And I'll love again
And the wounds will mend
I'm bruised but not broken
And the pain will fade
I'll get back on my feet
It's not the end of me
My heart is still open
I'm bruised but not broken

Having your heart borken, ripped out and stomped on the ground hurts like nothing else in the world. There are days when you do good just to be able to breathe and put on a fake ass smile. You know what? It does get better but only at YOUR pace. (*for my girls, thank you so much for ALWAYS being there for me, I love you! I am glad to say that I am a little wiser and more cautious now but I know that I can love again..one day)

Who I Am

These last couple of weeks I have been doing a lot of soul searching......
I am in such a totally different place this moment in my life than I was last year, last week or even yesterday. It is nice to know that you can sometimes surprise yourself with inner courage, strength and just finding out who you are again.
I am :
A woman of God
A sister and a daughter
An aunt
Cautious with my heart as it is the most valuable thing that I have
A friend
Confident yet I have moments of being insecure
Loyal
Stubborn as HELL
Strong
Beautiful on the inside
Too hard on myself
Joyful
A caregiver
Sarcastic
Selfish
Lover of music
Better at putting pen to paper to express myself than acutally saying it outloud
Cooky
Funny
A good listener (so some friends have said)
A sucker for chick flicks, there is nothing like a good cry fest to cleanse your soul
Not going to change for ANYBODY
Complex
A suprise to myself

Who I am now

I have been through a lot of changes in the last few years and I had forgotten to take care of one important person and that was ME. Wow! How do we do that?
I have always been a caregiver and taken care of everyone else and left myself to the wayside. Not anymore!! Last year was a pretty crappy year for me and I am so glad to have a new slate to start over with. For the first time in a long time I have gotten to know myself again and it is GREAT.
I find myself relaxing more (as much as I can....lol), smiling more and laughing more which I haven't been able to do in quite sometime. It is great feeling this way again I have to tell you. I am getting back in touch with old friends and making it a point to stay in touch with them. I can go out and have a good time and just be myself without worrying about who is at home pissed off cause I am out having a good time or just worrying what that person is off doing.
There have been times when it really SUCKS to be single and I kind of get down about it but then it is WAY better than being in a relationship where you are miserable all of the time.
I am a little bit wiser, a lot more bolder and very happy and content in my life now. I trust in the Lord and I know in due time that some of the things I have been praying about will finally get answered!

My Top Albums of All Time

I am a music lover, as most of you already know. My music tastes change daily just depending on what I am in the mood to listen to. I may listen to classical such as Debussy or some old skool rap such as Rapper's Delight by the Sugar Hill Gang or some indie/alt such as Muse.

My parents raised my sister and I on a lots of different types of music growing up and I am pretty sure the first song I remember listening to was Benny & The Jets by Elton John which just happend to be one of my all time favorite songs as a kid and brings back great memories everytime I hear it. They would listen to artists such as Isaac Hayes to Molly Hatchet to Elton John so I am guessing this is where I get my appreciation of various artists and songs, so for that thanks Mom and Dad!!

In no certain order, these are my Top Albums of All Time

The Beatles - wow, this was a really hard choice as I am such a lover of The Beatles........but I am going to have to say my most favorite album of theirs is gonna have to be: The White Album. Most of the songs on this album where written while the Beatles where on their "spiritual" quest to India. This album was recorded while the band was under a lot of tension and there were times that they didn't even go into the studio at the same time, that being said this album to me is simply: The Beatles. There are some pretty amazing songs on here such as While My Guitar Gently Weeps written by George Harrison, this song is a classic example of an outstanding musican who did not get the credit he deserved. Then there is Dear Prudence, Julia, Rocky Raccoon, Blackbird, Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da, Helter Skelter, and last but not least Revolution 9.

Muse - Absolution. I discovered this band through a former co-worker and friend Daniel. I had never even heard of this band until him. From the very first song I became hooked. Muse is a English alternative band who have a style all of their own. The band has comprised vocalist, guitarist, pianist and songwriter Matthew Bellamy, bassist and backing vocalist Christopher Wolstenholme, and drummer and percussionist Dominic Howard. Songs such as Apocalypse Please, Time Is Running Out, Sing for Absolution are just some of my favorites on this album. I can put this CD in and listen to the whole thing.

Jeff Buckley - Grace. Jeff was a gifted singer/songwriter whose time was just too short. He died in 1997 in a terrible drowning accident yet his music lives on. His voice is so haunting and just moves my soul. To hear him sing Hallelujah just gives me goose bumps. This is another album I can listen to all the way through and really enjoy it everytime. Other great songs on here are Lover, you should have come over (his voice is just full of hurt and heartache), This is Our Last Goodbye, and So Real. It is such a shame that this is his only full studio album.

Van Morrison - Moondance. Van Morrison is just an awesome musician, where else can you find a little jazz, folk, blues and poetry all in one? This album is my favorite of his music. The lyrics are very well written, the instruments are awesome and I just love the sound of his voice. Into the Mystic is my pick of all time favorite song on here but there are many other wonderful ones too such as Brown Eyed Girl, Moondance and Brand New Day.

Elton John - Greatest Hits 1970-2002. What can I say about Sir Elton that has not already been said. This man is just awesome. I love the way his songs just pull you in. Yes I love Elton John and I am not embarrassed to admit it. A few favs of mine are Benny and the Jets, catchy little song there or the heartbreaking ballad Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word. There are many great songs on here and I like most all of them. It says a lot that he is still selling albums all these years later.

Creedence Clearwater Revival - Chronicle, Vol 1 Greatest Hits. - John Fogerty is just an awesome songwriter and I just love this CD. There is nothing like popping this in and just jamming out to it. The louder the better. They were just an awesome band with a rockabilly sound. Another one I can listen to the whole way through. Some favorite songs on here are Susie Q, Bad Moon Rising, Who'll Stop the Rain. This is probably a the best "greatest hits" album I own.

Amos Lee - I am going to pick two of his just because I like him so much, Supply and Demand & Amos Lee. His musical style encompasses folk, soul, and jazz. He has a unique style and I just lucked up on finding him while searching for something else. He has a very soothing and soulful voice that I could listen to over and over. Some of my pics for songs are Sympathize, Colors, Careless, I've Seen It All Before. If you have not listened to him yet, please give him a try, I promise that you won't be sorry that you did.

Eagles : The Very Best Of 2 CD Set - The Eagles are just an awesome band. This is the best compilation CD theirs to date. With five number-one singles and six number-one albums, the Eagles were one of the most successful recording artists of the decade (1970's).Glenn Frey – vocals, guitars, keyboards, synthesizers, harmonica.Don Henley – vocals, drums , percussion, guitar, synthesizer.Bernie Leadon – vocals, guitars, banjo, mandolin. Randy Meisner – vocals, bass, guitar.Don Felder – guitars, mandolin, vocals, keyboards, synthesizers. Joe Walsh – guitars, vocals, keyboards, synthesizers and Timothy B. Schmit – bass, vocals. You can't find any other band that has this sound. Some great songs to name a few are : Witchy Woman, Lying Eyes, Sad Cafe, Take It To the Limit, Hotel California and many many others.