Friday, September 3, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
A Moment I am Dreading
As it gets closer to September, I am dreading the 16th more and more. I cannot believe it will have been a year since Ted was taken away from us.
Somedays it still just seems like yesterday. These eleven months have been a whirl wind of emotions that I would not wish on my worst enemy for anything in the world.
I miss so many things about him so much and I am just scared to death to ever think about trying to love someone else like that ever again in my life.
Maybe I will just be alone the rest of my life and would that really be a bad thing? I don't know. Yes it does suck being lonely and not having someone to come home to and share all the stupid little details of your day with. It sucks not having someone hold you at night too. Would I ever really be happy with anyone else? At this time I will say no because they would never be him and that is what I wish for more than anything but, have finally accepted that he is never coming back to me.
Yes it sucks to see all of my friends in love with their mates and content in their lives while mine is a cluster of shit honestly. There are times when I feel that I just do not have any ting in common with them at all anymore. We are just not in the same place in our lives and will never be on the same page again. Life is a cruel and vicious teacher and at times I would just like to tell it to piss off.
Don't get me wrong I love my friends more than anything but it is hard to relate to someone who has never experienced this kind of loss. After a while everyone gets tired of hearing about this and they just want you to tell them that you are ok so they can feel better about themselves and you. Well there comes a point when you just lie and say "you know what things are getting better for me", honestly even though you still feel so empty and void on the inside.
Sure you could fill some of your lonely nights with a one night stand here or there and it might make you feel better in that moment to have another human being touch you or hold you for a little while but, in the end you are still alone so what is the damn point in that? It won't solve anything and truthfully will just make you feel worse about your situation and yourself. There are times when I just want to pack my car and move somewhere else but all of these feelings would still be there once the newness wears off. I guess there really is no solution to this problem, all I can do is continue to ride this merry go round and hope someday it finally just stops for me and I can get off.
Somedays it still just seems like yesterday. These eleven months have been a whirl wind of emotions that I would not wish on my worst enemy for anything in the world.
I miss so many things about him so much and I am just scared to death to ever think about trying to love someone else like that ever again in my life.
Maybe I will just be alone the rest of my life and would that really be a bad thing? I don't know. Yes it does suck being lonely and not having someone to come home to and share all the stupid little details of your day with. It sucks not having someone hold you at night too. Would I ever really be happy with anyone else? At this time I will say no because they would never be him and that is what I wish for more than anything but, have finally accepted that he is never coming back to me.
Yes it sucks to see all of my friends in love with their mates and content in their lives while mine is a cluster of shit honestly. There are times when I feel that I just do not have any ting in common with them at all anymore. We are just not in the same place in our lives and will never be on the same page again. Life is a cruel and vicious teacher and at times I would just like to tell it to piss off.
Don't get me wrong I love my friends more than anything but it is hard to relate to someone who has never experienced this kind of loss. After a while everyone gets tired of hearing about this and they just want you to tell them that you are ok so they can feel better about themselves and you. Well there comes a point when you just lie and say "you know what things are getting better for me", honestly even though you still feel so empty and void on the inside.
Sure you could fill some of your lonely nights with a one night stand here or there and it might make you feel better in that moment to have another human being touch you or hold you for a little while but, in the end you are still alone so what is the damn point in that? It won't solve anything and truthfully will just make you feel worse about your situation and yourself. There are times when I just want to pack my car and move somewhere else but all of these feelings would still be there once the newness wears off. I guess there really is no solution to this problem, all I can do is continue to ride this merry go round and hope someday it finally just stops for me and I can get off.
Ready to get started back
Well I am going to have to start over with the p90x. I worked out a total of five days and then came down with a sinus infection and bronchitis. I am so over being sick this year!
I still feel a little like poo so my plan is to get back on track by Sunday. I am having some nasty coughing fits so working out right now is just not going to happen. I might try to just do some yoga anyway to keep myself stretched out.
This really pisses me off to no end, just when I start doing good about eating better and taking better care of myself, my body decides it wants to rebel and get sick.,....
I still feel a little like poo so my plan is to get back on track by Sunday. I am having some nasty coughing fits so working out right now is just not going to happen. I might try to just do some yoga anyway to keep myself stretched out.
This really pisses me off to no end, just when I start doing good about eating better and taking better care of myself, my body decides it wants to rebel and get sick.,....
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Well if this just doesn't suck
Day 5
Well I woke up with a nasty sinus infection this morning and felt like total poo all day. My head was hurting so bad this morning I didn't work out and I feel so bad about it.
I have every intention of getting back on track tomorrow. I may not finish it but I will do the very best that I can do with this nasty head cold.
Stay tuned kiddos.....
Well I woke up with a nasty sinus infection this morning and felt like total poo all day. My head was hurting so bad this morning I didn't work out and I feel so bad about it.
I have every intention of getting back on track tomorrow. I may not finish it but I will do the very best that I can do with this nasty head cold.
Stay tuned kiddos.....
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Day 5 - No pain - yet
So yesterday was the Yoga workout. Let me tell you, I thought to myself oh hell ya I can do this one no problem. Well scratch that theory all to hell and back my friends.
Yoga is hard!! That's right I said it, I always that yoga was just a bunch of breathing and stretching exercises. Oh hell no, it is ment to tone you up. It did work a lot of my soreness from the day before out though. There were several poses I just could not do and hopefully I will be able to soon.
Today's workout was Legs & Back and that AB ripper. I am still out of breath and still cannot do a lot of reps but that is not going to discourage me, oh no,See I LOVE a challenge!
I have started keeping a food journal and writing down every little thing that I eat...I hope this well help motivate me to stay the hell away from Krispy Kreme and all things glorious such as that :)
I would have to rate the pain level today a 7/10. I am sure in the morning it will be a 10/10. Tomorrow's feature kiddos is Kenpo, I may not be able to walk at all on Friday. Wish me luck
Yoga is hard!! That's right I said it, I always that yoga was just a bunch of breathing and stretching exercises. Oh hell no, it is ment to tone you up. It did work a lot of my soreness from the day before out though. There were several poses I just could not do and hopefully I will be able to soon.
Today's workout was Legs & Back and that AB ripper. I am still out of breath and still cannot do a lot of reps but that is not going to discourage me, oh no,See I LOVE a challenge!
I have started keeping a food journal and writing down every little thing that I eat...I hope this well help motivate me to stay the hell away from Krispy Kreme and all things glorious such as that :)
I would have to rate the pain level today a 7/10. I am sure in the morning it will be a 10/10. Tomorrow's feature kiddos is Kenpo, I may not be able to walk at all on Friday. Wish me luck
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Yoga -It's Not So Bad but It's Not all the great either
Day 4
Well yesterday was pure agony for me. After my extensive workout on Sunday which I thought I did pretty good at I was so fooled come Monday morning.
I could barely walk or sit at all yesterday. This morning I got to do part of my Yoga workout... will have to redo it this evening when I get home.
The yoga was not so bad but hell I may not be able to get out of bed tomorrow either. It usually takes me till the next morning to see how much my body hates me from the workout the day before....lol
Some of the poses are so far out of my league that all I could do was just try to do them. Hopefully one day soon I will be able to master them all. On top of all this I swear I feel like I am coming down with something again. My throat is a little achy and it had better just be my allergies because I am not ready to go down the pneumonia road again anytime soon!
I will let you know how tomorrow goes! Wish me luck :)
I read over the nutrition plan again and it's not so bad. They want you to eat 5 times a day, wtf? So this morning I had two scrambled egg whites with a little cheddar cheese on whole wheat toast. I am having a banana for a snack and for lunch, veggie soup (homemade). I haven't thought about dinner yet....
Well yesterday was pure agony for me. After my extensive workout on Sunday which I thought I did pretty good at I was so fooled come Monday morning.
I could barely walk or sit at all yesterday. This morning I got to do part of my Yoga workout... will have to redo it this evening when I get home.
The yoga was not so bad but hell I may not be able to get out of bed tomorrow either. It usually takes me till the next morning to see how much my body hates me from the workout the day before....lol
Some of the poses are so far out of my league that all I could do was just try to do them. Hopefully one day soon I will be able to master them all. On top of all this I swear I feel like I am coming down with something again. My throat is a little achy and it had better just be my allergies because I am not ready to go down the pneumonia road again anytime soon!
I will let you know how tomorrow goes! Wish me luck :)
I read over the nutrition plan again and it's not so bad. They want you to eat 5 times a day, wtf? So this morning I had two scrambled egg whites with a little cheddar cheese on whole wheat toast. I am having a banana for a snack and for lunch, veggie soup (homemade). I haven't thought about dinner yet....
Monday, August 16, 2010
Is it normal for your butt hurt like this?
Day 3
Well I managed to get half of my workout done this morning. The alarm goes off at the ungodly hour of 5 am and I think ok, time to jump out and hit it. Oh hell no you aren't my body says. See yesterday I did the plyometrics dvd, which he informs you at the beginning is the hardest one in the series. I silently think to myself, why in the hell would you make someone do this on only their 2nd day then?
So my legs and my butt hurt and there was no jumping out of bed this morning, I had to roll out of bed very carefully. Can we say ow,ow,ow..OUCH?! Let's just say the warm up exercises were excruciating to no end.
This one ain't for a sissy let me tell you. There were points when I just had to stop and catch my breath. So far I have learned from this videos that I am way out of shape and the burn and soreness means it is working.
I have to go home tonight and do my ab workout and I am sure I will be whining again tomorrow, it's yoga, I am scared to think what that one is going to entail....
Well I managed to get half of my workout done this morning. The alarm goes off at the ungodly hour of 5 am and I think ok, time to jump out and hit it. Oh hell no you aren't my body says. See yesterday I did the plyometrics dvd, which he informs you at the beginning is the hardest one in the series. I silently think to myself, why in the hell would you make someone do this on only their 2nd day then?
So my legs and my butt hurt and there was no jumping out of bed this morning, I had to roll out of bed very carefully. Can we say ow,ow,ow..OUCH?! Let's just say the warm up exercises were excruciating to no end.
This one ain't for a sissy let me tell you. There were points when I just had to stop and catch my breath. So far I have learned from this videos that I am way out of shape and the burn and soreness means it is working.
I have to go home tonight and do my ab workout and I am sure I will be whining again tomorrow, it's yoga, I am scared to think what that one is going to entail....
Sunday, August 15, 2010
I think they are just trying to kill me
Holy Shit
Day 2
OMG, I think the sole purpose of these work out videos is to kill you. See it won't matter if you are out of shape because these videos are going to make you have a heart attack and fall over.
Today's DVD was the Polymetrics one and let me tell you, I am seriously sweating like a hell I don't know, I am just sweating like hell. I feel terrible as I had to just stop several times because I was out of breath and my legs just won't go that far.
My arms and shoulders are so sore from yesterday's workout and I just know that tonight my legs and abs are going to be screaming at me. I hope I am able to semi roll out of bed in the morning to go to work.
I am so glad I didn't eat before doing this workout. The one good thing is it makes me drink a lot more water which I was very guilty of not doing.
Ok if I can get out bed tomorrow, I will update on Day 3.
Kiddos, tomorrow's movie is Shoulders, Arms and Abs....
Day 2
OMG, I think the sole purpose of these work out videos is to kill you. See it won't matter if you are out of shape because these videos are going to make you have a heart attack and fall over.
Today's DVD was the Polymetrics one and let me tell you, I am seriously sweating like a hell I don't know, I am just sweating like hell. I feel terrible as I had to just stop several times because I was out of breath and my legs just won't go that far.
My arms and shoulders are so sore from yesterday's workout and I just know that tonight my legs and abs are going to be screaming at me. I hope I am able to semi roll out of bed in the morning to go to work.
I am so glad I didn't eat before doing this workout. The one good thing is it makes me drink a lot more water which I was very guilty of not doing.
Ok if I can get out bed tomorrow, I will update on Day 3.
Kiddos, tomorrow's movie is Shoulders, Arms and Abs....
Saturday, August 14, 2010
My body flipping hates me right now
Day 1
Ok so I started Day 1 of the P90X. Can I just tell you how much my body hates me right now. It is screaming fatty please for the love of Pete, stop this insanity now!!!! Please, can you just go and eat some carbs for me, please.......shut up is what my brain is saying. This is about a lifestyle change for me.... I want to be healthy and not have to be on blood pressure medicine or diabetic medicine.
I will admit that at times I just had to stop and rest. This workout is very, very intense and I am so out of shape that I just could not keep up. There is nothing like sweating @ 7am on a Saturday morning though. Even though this is just the first day, I feel like I have a little more energy than usual. My shoulders and especially my abs are burning today. It is amazing how quickly time passes to get out of shape but trying to get back in shape, hell that is a whole other universe.
I had to bypass sausage, toast and eggs this morning and let me tell you those are some of my favorite things to eat. So far I have had water and coffee (hell no I am NOT giving that up).
I hope that I can manage to survive day 2. I am committed, I am going to do this for 90 days! Wish me luck :)
God willing if I can use my arms tomorrow I will update on Day 2
Ok so I started Day 1 of the P90X. Can I just tell you how much my body hates me right now. It is screaming fatty please for the love of Pete, stop this insanity now!!!! Please, can you just go and eat some carbs for me, please.......shut up is what my brain is saying. This is about a lifestyle change for me.... I want to be healthy and not have to be on blood pressure medicine or diabetic medicine.
I will admit that at times I just had to stop and rest. This workout is very, very intense and I am so out of shape that I just could not keep up. There is nothing like sweating @ 7am on a Saturday morning though. Even though this is just the first day, I feel like I have a little more energy than usual. My shoulders and especially my abs are burning today. It is amazing how quickly time passes to get out of shape but trying to get back in shape, hell that is a whole other universe.
I had to bypass sausage, toast and eggs this morning and let me tell you those are some of my favorite things to eat. So far I have had water and coffee (hell no I am NOT giving that up).
I hope that I can manage to survive day 2. I am committed, I am going to do this for 90 days! Wish me luck :)
God willing if I can use my arms tomorrow I will update on Day 2
Friday, August 13, 2010
Time for A Change
It is time for a change, I don't like the way I look or feel at all. All it takes is seeing photos of yourself and you realize how bad you really are. OMG I have gained so much weight since Ted's death. Part of it is comfort eating and the other part is that I am just a lazy ass.
So, I have decided to start the P90X excercise program. I have seen a lot of friends have been doing it and I know it is going to be hard but I am going to commit myself to it for three months. Three months to get in better shape and be healthier. I am at risk for diabetes and high blood pressure and I don't want to be on medicines.
So I know this is going to be hard for me as I love to eat a whole bunch of unhealthy foods but I think after a while I will get used to eating better.
I hear this exercise program really kicks your ass which is just what I need @ this point.
So come tomorrow moring, I will start day 1. I will update my blog with my progress and see how far I come...wish me luck!
So, I have decided to start the P90X excercise program. I have seen a lot of friends have been doing it and I know it is going to be hard but I am going to commit myself to it for three months. Three months to get in better shape and be healthier. I am at risk for diabetes and high blood pressure and I don't want to be on medicines.
So I know this is going to be hard for me as I love to eat a whole bunch of unhealthy foods but I think after a while I will get used to eating better.
I hear this exercise program really kicks your ass which is just what I need @ this point.
So come tomorrow moring, I will start day 1. I will update my blog with my progress and see how far I come...wish me luck!
Sunday, July 18, 2010
The Good Ole Summer Time
For the first time in a long time I am actually enjoying life. I guess all I needed to do was have my mini breakdown last week and finally let out all of my pent up grief.
I had the best weekend in a long time with some amazing friends.
I have to say that I am a very lucky gal in that I have a lot of friends. They are all different and all special to me in their own way.
I love my friends, they make me laugh, I can be myself with them and they love me.
Sometimes laughter is the best medicine and I did a lot of that these last few days.
I had the best weekend in a long time with some amazing friends.
I have to say that I am a very lucky gal in that I have a lot of friends. They are all different and all special to me in their own way.
I love my friends, they make me laugh, I can be myself with them and they love me.
Sometimes laughter is the best medicine and I did a lot of that these last few days.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Till The Rivers All Run Dry
So it finally happened, I hit that dip and dark pool of grief that I have been fighting for the last nine months. OMG, can I just say that there are no words for the level of pain that I felt. I have been putting up my walls of defense for so long and fighting having to deal with it. Well I truly believe that there comes a point when your body says enough is enough and you are finally going to deal with this shit like it or not.
It hit me this past Sunday, for some reason unknown to me Sundays seem to be my breakdown days. Well actually I think it is because Sundays were our special days as it was usually the only one that we had off together.....
Anyway, I had a complete and total meltdown Sunday. To the point that I could NOT quit crying for anything in the world no matter how bad I tried. I am not suicidal but the pain that I felt in my heart was so intense and physically was at the point I would have done anything to make it stop. There is a point when you are hurting so bad and you can't even console yourself where you have to turn to your make to make it stop. So that is what I did, I begged God for mercy to make this pain go away.
In a way I am glad that it finally happened, it means that the shock of Ted's death has finally worn off and now I can actually deal with the grief so that I can hopefully start my way on the road to healing.
It hit me this past Sunday, for some reason unknown to me Sundays seem to be my breakdown days. Well actually I think it is because Sundays were our special days as it was usually the only one that we had off together.....
Anyway, I had a complete and total meltdown Sunday. To the point that I could NOT quit crying for anything in the world no matter how bad I tried. I am not suicidal but the pain that I felt in my heart was so intense and physically was at the point I would have done anything to make it stop. There is a point when you are hurting so bad and you can't even console yourself where you have to turn to your make to make it stop. So that is what I did, I begged God for mercy to make this pain go away.
In a way I am glad that it finally happened, it means that the shock of Ted's death has finally worn off and now I can actually deal with the grief so that I can hopefully start my way on the road to healing.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
I Don't Know How To Let You Go
I heard a song by Sarah McLachlan today that made me think of Ted. The words could not be truer to my life right now. So the thing is I am slowly starting to heal but I don't know how to let him go. I honestly just think I am not ready to do it. I am so tired of people asking me when I am going to start dating again. Seriously people, wtf?
"I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go"
How do you make yourself move on after a loss this big? I wish that I had the answer. I know that this has taught me that I am stronger than I ever thought possible.
"I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go"
How do you make yourself move on after a loss this big? I wish that I had the answer. I know that this has taught me that I am stronger than I ever thought possible.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
There are so many things that I want to tell you
Hey Baby,
There are so many things that I want to tell you and ask you. There are times when I just feel like I can do this. Everyone expects me to be so strong and handle this so well. Well there are times when all I want to do is shut the whole world away and hide. At times I think that I am coping very well and ready to start moving on to a somewhat normal life. Then there are the times like driving home from work that my grief overwhelms me so much that all I can do is let the tears fall and beg God to end this pain. I have so many doubts and fears about things such as Are you really at peace? Will you forget me and what we had together? Will I ever seen you again and what will that day be like if it happens?
There are times when I get so lonely and I don't feel like I have a friend in the world even though I do. Nights are the hardest time for me. Do you know that I still reach for you sometimes? Do you know that there are still a lot of nights when I cry myself to sleep? Do you know how much it broke my heart having to let you go and honestly believe it in my heart when I told you it was ok to move on. I have been very angry with God and I know you shouldn't but I am not going to lie about it. Truthfully I have been pissed off at everyone and everything. Then it hit me I am pissed at you the most and for that I feel so guilty. I know you did not leave me on purpose but it still hurts me that you did. I love you so deeply and miss you more than anyone could ever know. It hurts knowing that you never got to be a daddy and even though you doubted it at times I know in my heart you would have been a wonderful one. See the thing is my love I am scared to have to move on with my life without you in it. I don't know what to do or where to go. I would give anything just to have you put your arms around me again, your chin on my head and hear your voice tell me that you love me and that I am going to be ok. Is that really too much to ask, I guess so because it's not ever going to happen again. I make you this promise that even though one day I know I will go on with my life and I might even try to love someone else, I will never ever forget you or how much love you brought to me. In the worst days of hell that I experience I somehow always manage to find one fleeting moment of a happy memory of you and that my love is when I know you might just still be around to guide me. Please don't forget me and please don't think for one minute that I am going to forget you. You have taken a huge part of my heart with you and I will have your love to carry me. I miss you so much, so very much and I love you more today than I did yesterday, and I will love you even more tomorrow. Your life and love for it has forever changed me and that is a gift I will always treasure. Love forever, Me
There are so many things that I want to tell you and ask you. There are times when I just feel like I can do this. Everyone expects me to be so strong and handle this so well. Well there are times when all I want to do is shut the whole world away and hide. At times I think that I am coping very well and ready to start moving on to a somewhat normal life. Then there are the times like driving home from work that my grief overwhelms me so much that all I can do is let the tears fall and beg God to end this pain. I have so many doubts and fears about things such as Are you really at peace? Will you forget me and what we had together? Will I ever seen you again and what will that day be like if it happens?
There are times when I get so lonely and I don't feel like I have a friend in the world even though I do. Nights are the hardest time for me. Do you know that I still reach for you sometimes? Do you know that there are still a lot of nights when I cry myself to sleep? Do you know how much it broke my heart having to let you go and honestly believe it in my heart when I told you it was ok to move on. I have been very angry with God and I know you shouldn't but I am not going to lie about it. Truthfully I have been pissed off at everyone and everything. Then it hit me I am pissed at you the most and for that I feel so guilty. I know you did not leave me on purpose but it still hurts me that you did. I love you so deeply and miss you more than anyone could ever know. It hurts knowing that you never got to be a daddy and even though you doubted it at times I know in my heart you would have been a wonderful one. See the thing is my love I am scared to have to move on with my life without you in it. I don't know what to do or where to go. I would give anything just to have you put your arms around me again, your chin on my head and hear your voice tell me that you love me and that I am going to be ok. Is that really too much to ask, I guess so because it's not ever going to happen again. I make you this promise that even though one day I know I will go on with my life and I might even try to love someone else, I will never ever forget you or how much love you brought to me. In the worst days of hell that I experience I somehow always manage to find one fleeting moment of a happy memory of you and that my love is when I know you might just still be around to guide me. Please don't forget me and please don't think for one minute that I am going to forget you. You have taken a huge part of my heart with you and I will have your love to carry me. I miss you so much, so very much and I love you more today than I did yesterday, and I will love you even more tomorrow. Your life and love for it has forever changed me and that is a gift I will always treasure. Love forever, Me
Am I Normal or Are These Signs of a Crazy Person?
I feel like I have been so pissed off for so long and I can't remember why. Oh yeah, it's this thing called being left behind. I know this is going to sound selfish and whiny but I believe you should just say it like it is. Well when you can and here is one place that happens.
I have been through hell and back, mind you it's not as bad as it could be. Yes I said it. The thing is, it has been bad enough for me and I honestly don't think I could take anymore right now. I have been dealing with a lot of emotions and they come and go so fast that I feel like I am sea sick at the moment. I have been dealing with guilt. Guilt because of the things that happened to cause Ted and I to break up for a while, guilt for acting somewhat irresponsible when we were broken up and guilt for starting to pick up the pieces and move on with my so called life. It is a very hard an bitter pill to swallow when your soul mate has left you here behind. In your mind they are forever stuck in that time and period, never aging, never growing old, never changing. Yet you do move on, you do age, you do change. At times it overwhelms me so much knowing that my life is forever changed and that there is not a damn thing I can do about. My heart has been completely shattered and I know as a coping skill I am throwing up that ten foot wall of concrete to protect myself from dipping into the grief pool. Why can't I just let go and let my heart break all the way so that I can start on this road to healing? Is it because being tough on the outside is something I have always done? I hate this damn feeling. At times I am so lonely, I know my friends love me and want to help me but this is not anything that they have had to experience yet. I feel like someone on the outside and I am not sure if I am ready to get back into the ring. I feel guilty for thinking that someday I will move on with my life and maybe date someone. That scares the hell out of me. Life has a funny way of jerking the rug out from under me and I hope I can take it the next time.
I have been through hell and back, mind you it's not as bad as it could be. Yes I said it. The thing is, it has been bad enough for me and I honestly don't think I could take anymore right now. I have been dealing with a lot of emotions and they come and go so fast that I feel like I am sea sick at the moment. I have been dealing with guilt. Guilt because of the things that happened to cause Ted and I to break up for a while, guilt for acting somewhat irresponsible when we were broken up and guilt for starting to pick up the pieces and move on with my so called life. It is a very hard an bitter pill to swallow when your soul mate has left you here behind. In your mind they are forever stuck in that time and period, never aging, never growing old, never changing. Yet you do move on, you do age, you do change. At times it overwhelms me so much knowing that my life is forever changed and that there is not a damn thing I can do about. My heart has been completely shattered and I know as a coping skill I am throwing up that ten foot wall of concrete to protect myself from dipping into the grief pool. Why can't I just let go and let my heart break all the way so that I can start on this road to healing? Is it because being tough on the outside is something I have always done? I hate this damn feeling. At times I am so lonely, I know my friends love me and want to help me but this is not anything that they have had to experience yet. I feel like someone on the outside and I am not sure if I am ready to get back into the ring. I feel guilty for thinking that someday I will move on with my life and maybe date someone. That scares the hell out of me. Life has a funny way of jerking the rug out from under me and I hope I can take it the next time.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
A Little of This and a Little of That
I feel like a caged bird right now who wants nothing more than for someone to open the door and let my fly away. I wish it were that simple really.
I know that I am reaching a crossroads and I have to decide which way to turn. Do I turn to the left and let this heartache consume me forever? Do I turn to the right and actually allow myself to open up my heart all the way and let it finally break all the way so that I can start to heal? I don't have the answers to these questions right now. I hope I make the right choice and I hope that I will be ready when that day comes for me.
I know that I am reaching a crossroads and I have to decide which way to turn. Do I turn to the left and let this heartache consume me forever? Do I turn to the right and actually allow myself to open up my heart all the way and let it finally break all the way so that I can start to heal? I don't have the answers to these questions right now. I hope I make the right choice and I hope that I will be ready when that day comes for me.
Friday, March 12, 2010
The Year from Hell
March 13, 2010 will mark one year since my love was first diagnosed with the dreaded 6 letter word known as cancer. Little did we know that you would not win your battle six months later.
I cannot begin to tell you how much this has been a year from hell. I think back to that day and wonder if there was anything that I could have done differently for you. If I had, would it have made a difference? Would it have changed the outcome at all? Part of me does not think so. See God has a plan for you from the moment you are conceived. We are not privy to the road map but he does have a plan for us and each person is put here for a reason. We may not ever know while we are alive but I believe the answer is revealed to us on the day our souls leave our bodies.
I hope you know how much we loved you and still do. I hope you know how many people you touched in your short time on earth. I hope you know that you were truly loved and missed everyday by so many. I hope you watch over us and are there to greet us on the day it is our "first day". There are days I rejoice that God answered our prayers and ended your suffering then there are the dark days when my human needs out match my spirtual ones and I just want you back here with me. I think that is a battle I will fight the rest of my life.
It is a rare thing when you find your soulmate, lose them for a while and then find them again. I am so thankful that you and I were able to forgive all the wrongs and in the end we finally got it right baby.
I still have days when I really miss you and can't even stand for someone to say your name then there are the other days when it's ok to talk about you, share funny stories and relive the memories that only you and I shared. Those are the precious ones that I will keep all to myself.
Yes it has been the year from hell but I know that this is only going to make my stronger. You know what? I love you more today than yesterday and I will love you even more tomorrow... see I didn't forget what you always said nor will I ever forget that. I just don't want you to think that I will ever forget you or let you go even if my heart starts to mend. I will hold you in my heart forever until I draw my last breath. I know that one day I will look up and you will be there and that gives me hope to make it through each day. I love you!
I cannot begin to tell you how much this has been a year from hell. I think back to that day and wonder if there was anything that I could have done differently for you. If I had, would it have made a difference? Would it have changed the outcome at all? Part of me does not think so. See God has a plan for you from the moment you are conceived. We are not privy to the road map but he does have a plan for us and each person is put here for a reason. We may not ever know while we are alive but I believe the answer is revealed to us on the day our souls leave our bodies.
I hope you know how much we loved you and still do. I hope you know how many people you touched in your short time on earth. I hope you know that you were truly loved and missed everyday by so many. I hope you watch over us and are there to greet us on the day it is our "first day". There are days I rejoice that God answered our prayers and ended your suffering then there are the dark days when my human needs out match my spirtual ones and I just want you back here with me. I think that is a battle I will fight the rest of my life.
It is a rare thing when you find your soulmate, lose them for a while and then find them again. I am so thankful that you and I were able to forgive all the wrongs and in the end we finally got it right baby.
I still have days when I really miss you and can't even stand for someone to say your name then there are the other days when it's ok to talk about you, share funny stories and relive the memories that only you and I shared. Those are the precious ones that I will keep all to myself.
Yes it has been the year from hell but I know that this is only going to make my stronger. You know what? I love you more today than yesterday and I will love you even more tomorrow... see I didn't forget what you always said nor will I ever forget that. I just don't want you to think that I will ever forget you or let you go even if my heart starts to mend. I will hold you in my heart forever until I draw my last breath. I know that one day I will look up and you will be there and that gives me hope to make it through each day. I love you!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Friendship is a Funny Thing
If I have learned anything this past year it is the value of true friends. I'm not talking about people who you think are your friends and who only want you around when they want something. I am talking about the friends you have that are there no matter what is going on, good or bad.
I had a few friends who I thought were true friends but after going through all that I have with Ted and losing him I found out that they were not really my friends. They really surprised me by showing me their true colors. I guess it is better to find out now than later.
Enough with the negative thoughts on people who don't really matter to me anymore. I have cut my ties and moved on.
I have a close cirlce of friends which I can depend on no matter what time of day or night it is. God blessed me with them and I am so thankful for all of them. I have shut myself off from the world for a while and these wonderful friends of mine have been great about it.
I had a few friends who I thought were true friends but after going through all that I have with Ted and losing him I found out that they were not really my friends. They really surprised me by showing me their true colors. I guess it is better to find out now than later.
Enough with the negative thoughts on people who don't really matter to me anymore. I have cut my ties and moved on.
I have a close cirlce of friends which I can depend on no matter what time of day or night it is. God blessed me with them and I am so thankful for all of them. I have shut myself off from the world for a while and these wonderful friends of mine have been great about it.
Five Months
I cannot believe it has been five months since you left us. It is still just so raw and fresh in my mind. I still have a hard time believing that you are really gone. A lot of our friends are making plans for Valentine's Day and I find myself yet again having to make it through another first holiday without you.
I wish that I was stronger about this, I wish that you could be here with me just to tell me in your loving sweet voice that I am going to be ok. I just want to hear you say "Baby, it's ok" while you have your big arms wrapped around me like you did so many other times before. I wish that I didn't miss you so much and could make myself let go of you but I can't. I honestly don't think that I will ever get over you and will spend the rest of my life just waiting for the day when we will be together again.
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life and I just want it to be over.
I wish that I was stronger about this, I wish that you could be here with me just to tell me in your loving sweet voice that I am going to be ok. I just want to hear you say "Baby, it's ok" while you have your big arms wrapped around me like you did so many other times before. I wish that I didn't miss you so much and could make myself let go of you but I can't. I honestly don't think that I will ever get over you and will spend the rest of my life just waiting for the day when we will be together again.
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life and I just want it to be over.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
A Letter For You
I just want you to know that I'm ok. Yeah it still hurts a lot to know you are not with us anymore but, I don't cry as much as I did before. I'm making some changes in my life and hopefully for the better. I hope you will be proud of me and know that just because I smile and laugh a little bit more doesn't mean I miss you any less. It just means that I am starting to heal a little bit. I have been thinking a lot about what I am going to take away from your passing. I am still searching for that answer but one thing I do know is that you loved life so much and for your short time here you embraced it with every being in your body. I know that life is too short and I am going to live mine.
I'm sorry for the times I said I was too tired to do something you wanted. I'm sorry that I worked two jobs and missed out on so many Saturdays with you.
I'm sorry that I just now realized how I should live my life for me and not for anyone else.....you taught me that. I'm sorry for anything negative or hateful I ever said to you in anger. I'm sorry that we didn't have more time on earth together but you will always have my heart until the day it stops beating. I thank ...you for all the love, compassion, sweetness, joy and laughter you gave me. I thank you for teaching me that life should be lived to the fullest. I thank you for filling my heart with joy, love, beauty and sorrow.
I thank you for all the wonderful Sundays that we spent in bed just doing nothing but being near each other. I thank you for always believing in me even when I didn't believe in myself. I thank you for showing me what love really is. I thank you for sharing your love of music with me. I thank you for sharing your hopes..., fears, disappointments, joy, sorrow and secrets with me and for letting me do the same with you. I love you with every being in my body. I know that one day all of this pain of losing you in the physical form will be replaced with having you inside my heart. When that day comes and I think of you it will be all of the wonderful memories that I cherish.
I'm sorry for the times I said I was too tired to do something you wanted. I'm sorry that I worked two jobs and missed out on so many Saturdays with you.
I'm sorry that I just now realized how I should live my life for me and not for anyone else.....you taught me that. I'm sorry for anything negative or hateful I ever said to you in anger. I'm sorry that we didn't have more time on earth together but you will always have my heart until the day it stops beating. I thank ...you for all the love, compassion, sweetness, joy and laughter you gave me. I thank you for teaching me that life should be lived to the fullest. I thank you for filling my heart with joy, love, beauty and sorrow.
I thank you for all the wonderful Sundays that we spent in bed just doing nothing but being near each other. I thank you for always believing in me even when I didn't believe in myself. I thank you for showing me what love really is. I thank you for sharing your love of music with me. I thank you for sharing your hopes..., fears, disappointments, joy, sorrow and secrets with me and for letting me do the same with you. I love you with every being in my body. I know that one day all of this pain of losing you in the physical form will be replaced with having you inside my heart. When that day comes and I think of you it will be all of the wonderful memories that I cherish.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Classic Movies I Heart
The Women (1939) Norma Shearer, Joan Crawford and Rosalind Russel.This is the one to see.
Laura (1944) Gene Tierney
Imitation of Life (1959) Lana Turner......
Today Was A Great Day
Today was a good day!! I actually had two flipping days off in a row, whoo hoo!!
It was so beautiful outside and I decided to push myself away from the computer and hit the road. There is nothing like a road trip by yourself. You don't have to talk to anyone and you can play your music as loud as you like. I rolled down the windows and enjoyed the spring like weather and blasted some awesome tunes.
I am actually starting to get used to doing things by myself. It is still awkward at times but it is getting better. I actually just spent time with myself and liked it. I do love my friends but I feel like I have let my very best friend in the whole world, myself neglected for quiet sometime now.
It was so beautiful outside and I decided to push myself away from the computer and hit the road. There is nothing like a road trip by yourself. You don't have to talk to anyone and you can play your music as loud as you like. I rolled down the windows and enjoyed the spring like weather and blasted some awesome tunes.
I am actually starting to get used to doing things by myself. It is still awkward at times but it is getting better. I actually just spent time with myself and liked it. I do love my friends but I feel like I have let my very best friend in the whole world, myself neglected for quiet sometime now.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
A New Year Means a Fresh Start
I have slacked off on my blog for a while as I have been dealing with this thing called life. It has been four months now and for the first time when the anniversary date rolled around I found myself not getting all hysterical and breaking down.
I see this as a baby step in making progress. I am hoping that with it being a new year that it will bring a better one. Needless to say, last year was probably the worst year of my entire life and not one I would want to repeat anytime soon.
I still find it hard to believe that he is really gone. I look at all of the pictures where he is so young and healthy and think, god, is it really true? Is he really gone for good? These days are getting better. There is a tiny part of me that has accepted that he is gone and he is not coming back. Does this mean that a sliver of my heart is actually healing? I hope so.
I feel like I have been on a deserted island and out of touch with the rest of the world these past few months. Oh I have gone through the motions of day to day crap but not really feeling like I am part of everybody Else's world. My life changed on Sept 16 and it will never be like it was before that date. It has changed me and I am hoping it is only for the better. Grief is a powerful emotion and there are so many stages of it.
I want this to be the year that I work on healing and moving forward with my life. Ted would not want any of us to wallow in pity and sadness. He loved life too much for that. I love life too much for that. I have found myself slowly getting back in touch with friends that I hadn't been talking to for a while. I am going to do my very best to make some positive changes in my life and carrying something away from all of this. I am still not sure what that is but maybe 50 so years from now I will.
I see this as a baby step in making progress. I am hoping that with it being a new year that it will bring a better one. Needless to say, last year was probably the worst year of my entire life and not one I would want to repeat anytime soon.
I still find it hard to believe that he is really gone. I look at all of the pictures where he is so young and healthy and think, god, is it really true? Is he really gone for good? These days are getting better. There is a tiny part of me that has accepted that he is gone and he is not coming back. Does this mean that a sliver of my heart is actually healing? I hope so.
I feel like I have been on a deserted island and out of touch with the rest of the world these past few months. Oh I have gone through the motions of day to day crap but not really feeling like I am part of everybody Else's world. My life changed on Sept 16 and it will never be like it was before that date. It has changed me and I am hoping it is only for the better. Grief is a powerful emotion and there are so many stages of it.
I want this to be the year that I work on healing and moving forward with my life. Ted would not want any of us to wallow in pity and sadness. He loved life too much for that. I love life too much for that. I have found myself slowly getting back in touch with friends that I hadn't been talking to for a while. I am going to do my very best to make some positive changes in my life and carrying something away from all of this. I am still not sure what that is but maybe 50 so years from now I will.
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